I was fortunate enough to spend a day out yesterday. We had a good time together at the Women's Expo in Latham - and it was all due to this blog. I was offered the opportunity to bring a group and have a ladies day out by the Producer of the show. Thank you Suzette and your wonderful staff! What an incredible message that was to receive from you. It was so nice to give some of my friends and family a well-deserved day out. They've been thru the wringer this past month and a half.
Many things have culminated from the first words I wrote several weeks ago when I started this blog. It continues to make me shake my head in disbelief. I never considered myself a writer. It's very hard to understand what has been happening to all of us since the accident on December 1st. We were all affected. I think there's merit to digging into this so we can figure out what it is we do for each other. I know I could use some help piecing it together. I can't quite grasp what's occurring each day but I know it's helpful and I'm so appreciative.
I've had condolence cards and texts and e-mails from people I know who share their grief and in the same note tell me they love my blog. I'm happy about that and glad they take a few minutes to read it. That's very kind. I've wondered, however, if maybe they're just being nice and reading it out of obligation because we know one another? That wouldn't be out of the ordinary I don't think.
At the Expo I was easily stopped a half dozen times by strangers (but really now new friends) who felt the need to tell me they read faithfully every day and find me to be among the strongest people they know. Me??? I'm just me being me. Several told me they had even told themselves if they ever saw me out they would be sure to approach me and let me know I'm an inspiration. I can't help but smile. I don't get it. I don't even see it personally, but That’s OK, that’s what faith is all about. If I inspire then that’s fabulous. Who wouldn't want to be called inspirational?
I am starting to realize there's something special in the way I relate to people - you for instance. This situation has changed who I am. Before the accident I probably would classify myself as someone who reacted to situations calmly and rationally. That's just my nature. I tend to reason things out, I don't jump the gun and I don't fly off the handle. I feel I’m a good person to have nearby in an emergency. Since Chris passed I seem to be more acutely aware of my feelings and reactions. I'm more observant and cautious about things and I look for details and pay attention to people more closely. Maybe that's why this blog is helping more than just me? It’s helping you. I could be that "everyday" kind of girl that helps things along. I'm glad if that the case.
I wish I had a better pulse on what it is that I provide to you? Is it simply that I'm “relatable?” It must be different things to different people. I know I'm elementary in my speech and grammar, that's for sure. Honestly I can't worry about that. My goal isn't novel writing but just in expressing a daily thought. I usually don't even know what my blog will be about until I open a new page and stare at it for a sec. Then I just start blabbing.
I find that you help me to feel normal. You reply to me about your lives and your families and you tell me stories and make me feel like I'm not alone. You talk to me about death and children and fears and about yourselves. You take me away from my situation for a bit and help me to know I'm going to get thru this. You tell me I will start to feel better in time. You remind me to have faith, trust God's plan and continue being strong. Much of the time I feel weak but I’m working on it. I try not to talk to you about that too much. I try to be aware of it so I keep my weakness under control. I try not to look too far ahead or I get overwhelmed.
I want to thank you for caring about me and this situation. I'm glad you haven't gotten tired of it and shut me off. I know it's a downer and that grieving is draining. I'm glad you hang in there with me daily and that you've embraced Chris as one of your own. He's the kind of kid to be shared. Christopher was a very good boy. Thank you for loving him and shedding tears, for the loss of him and the pain I carry. This situation isn't going to go away for me unfortunately and it means a lot to have you as my support
Your kindness rubs off on me. I'm glad there are so many wonderful people in the 518 and beyond. It's comforting to know we need each other.
Thank you for reading.