So, everyone wants to know how I'm doing. I thought I'd share things as I see them right now (subject to change of course - depending on the hour)...
Well, there's no straight forward way to "be". All people are different, as are temperaments, ways of processing and degrees of reaching out. I only speak for me at all times, which is why I use "me, my and I" when I write to you. I never want to talk on behalf of my family because although I may know what they're feeling - they are not me and I have no right to speak for the group. I know I've mentioned that before but I think it's important to reiterate.
How am I??? Basically, in my opinion, I'm very good. I would say 80% of my day is fine. I function with an upbeat attitude and go through the course of my day normally. Things are very different now in many respects but I give myself props for keeping as normal a schedule as possible. I'm back to work, I've been to the grocery store, the car wash, restaurants and I even ventured to the Racino with family today. I won $11 on the roulette machine and had a margarita. That was good.
What's routinely different? Each morning I head to Christopher's room and rather than be sure he's awake for school I rub my hand over his SHEN green urn and say good morning. Good but bad... Bad of course that he's not here, tragically so. I miss him desperately. It totally sucks. Good? Yes there is a bit of good here... I chose to keep him at home. Best decision I ever could have made in a topsy-turvy time that needed a fast decision. There’s not a lot of time when a loved one dies to choose what to do with the body... I can't be thankful enough for that one.
Keeping him nearby means everything to me. There is no cemetery close enough to my heart to place my son. Not even the one where my father lies. It's not close enough for me to get to him plus he's not there anyway. And Chris was afraid of the dark. I couldn't possibly put him in the ground.
You know what bothers me a lot right now? My memory, it's not sharp. Matter of fact, it's filled with fuzz. I'm aware of it which makes things worse. I'm crisp enough to know I'm not on the ball but scattered enough that my family and friends and co-workers see it. That, to me is aggravating. I want the clarity I had before.
I'm not suggesting I was ever the sharpest tool in the shed, but I've digressed some. Yes, I know, rightly so... but you would hate it too. I realize the magnitude of what has happened to me and I'm allowed the right to falter. I have and I am. I’m smart enough to know that. I'd just like to keep it to a minimum. I want to be able to do my job at work as I did before. I want to look at contract for one of my sales reps and immediately see what's needed to complete the order. It isn't happening without stupid mistakes that I would normally know better than to make. I've been reviewing these contracts for years. I'll get there I know, I just resent taking a step back mentally. It's frustrating and it maddens me. It's been put upon me without my consent.
I also don't like the anxious feelings that appear at times. I am not an anxious person by nature. What's the reason for not wanting to travel too far? There's no physical reason I can't take a trip. I've been invited to visit several friends for the purpose of resting or just getting away for a bit. Right now… no way. If I can't drive to my destination I'm not going. That's unlike me. I love the sun! A warm destination would normally be a no brainer. I realize I'll get past this hurdle too; I'm just annoyed I don't feel able to go right now. Why is that??? I hate being in a conversation with someone and when the talk goes in a direction that's uncomfortable I feel my body tense and I throw my virtual hands up in front of me to halt things. I don't like being subjected to these new feelings due to another's actions. It's a bunch of crap.
I know I've said before (see, I repeat myself) that I can't get comfortable with my new "position". I am trying though. I feel I've been called to handle this and I know God isn't asking for more than I can do. I feel compelled to do my best, even if I drag my feet. I just wonder why me? Why not some other mom - or nobody at all???? How come someone has been asked to be the person in the Capital Region to be the public voice and face behind this tragedy? How come me?
Why did I start this blog when I’ve never written a sentence before? Why are you reading it and why are we now friends? I spent years at the football field and in the SHEN community as a non-named parent. Many had no idea who I was or what child was mine. Why is it now that they see me on TV they know Christopher was my son and what my name is? I'd rather be than nameless mom from November 30th...
I have my meltdowns, believe me, had a big one last night. Worst yet. I got a grip eventually. I'll have more for sure, plenty of them. I can handle them. Chris lifts me back up. He reaches out his hand just like he did to the players he tackled. I rely on him as I rely on you for helping me. I know we've all been affected by this horrible tragedy. We all suffer, we're mad and frustrated and annoyed. We see the injustice and we can't understand the loss of life and the healing demanded of two innocent teens.
Rather than stew in fury or lay in my bed, I'm opting to see where I can do something. What in the world can I do to generate some good from this? I may be here for forty more years or more. I have to do something positive if it’s nothing more than typing to you daily.
I am looking into changing some of the laws. I didn't even really know what they were. I'm learning though. I think there's plenty of room for improvement in some of our driving regulations. I have reached out to Senator Kirsten Gillibrand as well as Assemblyman James Tedisco. I can at least voice my opinion or back their proposals for firmer rules. Driving is a privilege.
So, how am I doing? Very good. Not as good as if Chris was here but when I look ahead to what the future brings? I may not be seeing Chris through college, but I will be busy doing something constructive. You'll probably be seeing more of me and I promise it won't be because I've collapsed and they put me in the hospital. I'm pissed and not curling up to die. My son needs a spokesperson to speak on his behalf. I can do that.
Thank you for reading.