I was really looking forward to sending Chris to college. I know I already mentioned it before but I’m really going to miss that. It makes me sad to think about. For some reason I keep dwelling on the loss of it.
I so loved the process of looking at schools with each of the boys. It was exciting when Jeremy got his acceptance letters, weighed his options and chose his college. I want to see the process thru with Chris also. It’s unfair. He didn’t even get to open his acceptance mail. I did; without him.
We visited schools for several months on and off and we were getting used to the idea of his upcoming graduation from SHEN and the big move to a college campus.
I want to experience that bittersweet time of mixed emotions of driving away from the university knowing a new milestone has arrived and my son is taking on a new adventure. All the uneasiness that goes along with worrying that he’s eating, wondering if he’s making new friends and if he’s getting to class on time. I did it all with Jeremy and wish for it again.
I’d like the financial burden of wondering how to pay for two in college. I’d like to be tugged in two directions to visit them both in one weekend and I’d like knowing they’d both be home at the same time for a holiday break or for the summer. I was looking forward to all the juggling. I’m so proud of them for being good students and going off to college. None of this is playing out as I expected.
It would have been fun to hear Chris talk about how different college life is. I can imagine he’d fuss about the small dorm bed… that his feet hung off the end and he missed his temperpedic. I’m sure I would tease him about how comfy I was sleeping in mine.
I plan to keep in touch with Chris’s friends to see where they go. I’m sure I’ll go watch them play football wherever they settle in but SHEN football will of course be nearest to my heart. I’ll go watch that too.
I follow some of the kids on Twitter now and occasionally tweet them. That’s new for me; I never used Twitter until Chris passed. I wonder if they think I’m weird. I try not to say too much, mostly I “lurk”… I just read but don’t respond. Maybe you’re a lurker to my blog? That’s fine. I can understand just wanting to read along for the content. I hope they don’t mind though. I like to read what they have to say. I find it very interesting to tell you the truth. I get to know them better and I can understand their stream of consciousness – what they’re feeling at the moment. I even read Chris’s old tweets which never dawned on me until a couple of weeks ago.
I had nothing in particular to share today, other than the recurring sorrow I’m feeling about college. I don’t know why I falter back on that so often because there are many other things I’m sad about. I know I’ll get past it in time but I just figured I’d talk about a pressing issue on my mind.
I wish, I wish, I wish. But I also know, I know, I know…
Thank you for reading.