I had a really tough day at work. Seemed to me to be the hardest one yet - but if I had to take a guess I imagine I'll have plenty more hard ones to come. I can't wait for the easy ones to arrive.
It bothers me a lot not to have a grip all the time. Experiencing the normal ups and downs of life are what you and I can relate to together. This new life I'm leading places me on a different rung from most of you now. I think those of us who have lost children are a select group. I'm in a special club of sorts and I'm not especially glad to be in it. I don't want to be here but I'm really trying to get used to it. Well, "used to it" is not exactly what I mean... But I'm trying to identify with who I am now and what Chris's death entails in my life. Being me right now sort of feels like being a kid who is dreading that first day at a new school or having to speak in public. the anticipation of it is terrifying. There's a tremendous fear in me and I hate it, especially when I try to think too far ahead.
I really do understand why people grieving tend to look at one hour blocks of time and can't whole-heartedly commit to future events. I know it will get better. Time helps. Right now I have trouble. I try to be patient with myself and I take a lot of deep breaths. Thankfully I am able to remind myself to slow down and regroup my mind to work within a smaller time frame. I understand the one hour at a time idea very well these days. I've heard people say it but now I must live it. This is very new to me. So many new things are happening...
Sometimes I don't know what comes over me. I never know quite how I'm going to wake up or how my day will progress. I may start out fine but fade deep into thought as I sit at my desk. It may be a while till I drift back to my work tasks. The brain is kind though, in my opinion... At least mine is. It allows me time to digest what's happening and gives me the latitude to do something about it. Thankfully my co-workers leave me alone a lot. Quite obviously when they see me I appear deep in thought (which I am). I pray I give them articulate answers!
I had a strange thought yesterday while sitting quietly reflecting on the scholarship basketball games last week. I really enjoyed the night. All of the events, even the sad part of watching Bailey cry when she received her green 69 SHEN jersey.
I got to wondering if I truly was feeling "Regina's" joy or had Chris climbed inside me to make me joyful? Did he take over for a bit to see me thru the night or was it me who experienced the happiness?
When I was in sales, years back, we had a term "fake it to make it". I wonder if that's what I was doing that evening. I mean, I have no experience with being the recipient of a huge scholarship check on behalf of my son... Would you??? It all seems so surreal and crazy. I'm wondering if Chris took hold of the night for me to see me thru it. I really had a good time. I loved the crowd and the energy in the room and the games were exciting and fabulous! I loved watching my nephew and having my family all around me. It was a true pleasure seeing everyone and feeling their positive vibes. I loved meeting the Shaker staff finally after having spoken with some of them on the phone and it was my honor to shake their hands and give them hugs. They have been so wonderful in taking care of the children. I felt happy. I just hope it was genuinely me feeling that way. I do know Chris helps me though.
I want to get far enough into this new role to where I don't mind being out in public. I'm not there yet. I don't like people looking at me. I don't like anyone trying to read my face to see if they can figure out how I'm doing. I don't want anyone analyzing me. I'm sure some of it is fabricated... And maybe I magnify things to a level they really aren't - but I feel like I'm on display and I don't like it. It will subside at some point. I guess it's just because this is all so new, but you wouldn't like it either. I prefer being anonymous in some respects. In another way though, I want to represent Chris to the best of my ability. I don't want notoriety for any sake but my son's.
I like my blog because I can talk to you freely without you looking at me. I know many of us use our computers in that respect. I can safely talk to you from here and be comfortable and you can reply in the same manner. I hope that's OK with you for now. We may meet at some future point and that might be good for both of us. For now I'm happy with our relationship and I'm glad we've become friends. Give me some time to adjust if you would. I'd appreciate that. This is all a bit overwhelming.
Thank you for reading.