I don't know why it took the tragic loss of my son for me to realize just how precious life is.
It's not like I haven't always been aware of how fragile each life is, but for me, I tended to believe nothing like this could possibly happen. I went thru my days with some sort of attitude that this would never happen in my house. It couldn't possibly. My sons are too full of life for death and anyway God would never do that to me. They're just kids; they won't die until they're elderly.
Well, now I have a new perspective. Life is so amazing and special and loving others is a tremendous gift. I know I hurt because I love. God gave me the gift of my sons. The depth of love I feel for them is both exhilarating and debilitating. Nothing can paralyze me more and stop me in my tracks than the love I have for my boys. The feelings are not even completely possible to put into words. I feel tremendous pride at the mere sight of them. I've always been scared for them as they grew up yet excited for them and the new experiences they face.
My boys inspire me. I like to show them off and introduce them as mine. I will forever get a kick out of it when someone says "Oh you're Jeremy's mom!" Or "Chris is your son? I love Chris!" What parent wouldn't enjoy that little moment in the spotlight on behalf of their child? "Yes! He's mine" I'd love to respond. Still do. I have two sons, always two, two forever.
What I have all of a sudden come to appreciate thru this tragedy is to enjoy the moment. I'm sipping tea as I write. It's really good. It's not just a drink that I have every evening anymore. It actually tastes better now because I seem to pay attention to it. I've had this same exact cup of tea nightly for years. Why does it taste better now? I think because I’m taking the time to notice it. I'm glad I'm enjoying it. It's a small piece of my night that I have come to take joy in. Yes, it's only tea - but tea is all I'm talking about at the moment. I've been able to enjoy the moment many, many other times too thankfully.
Maybe the mind allows these kinds of new experiences to help offset the pain? There's a lot that's new for me since December and I know I've been delving into a new part of my brain that never had to work quite like this before. I have never experienced profound grief. I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that Chris is gone for real. My mind spins so much sometimes that I think it balances itself out by alerting me to nice things too - like enjoying the moment. Does that make sense? Well, it seems to be the case for me. I'm sure a psychologist would be able to explain it.
I find when I look too far ahead I get out of sorts. It's too much for me right now. But when I focus on a shorter span of time I do much better. I'm sure it's a loss of control thing... Makes sense after feeling I've had no control of the situation that I'm now in. But when I savor the moment it seems to ground me and I get my footing back underneath me.
I hope you don't suffer an experience like mine in order to enjoy the moment. Try not to race through events like family dinners, evening baths or bedtime stories. They may not happen tomorrow night. Take this little nugget from me and try to pay attention and slow down just a bit. Taste the tea you sip and the bite of food you eat. Sit back and watch your kids splash in the tub or giggle at the story you read even if they've heard it twenty times already. Every moment to enjoy what’s happening in your life is special. Don't let it slip by.
Thank you for reading.