Thursday, January 24, 2013

I wonder...



I was doing a few chores around the house after work last night and found my mind wondering.  I wondered what Chris was thinking about all that has happened?



First of all, does he think now?  Does he have an opinion from where he is?  Can he see us and feel things?  I just don't know the answers.

I was hanging up clothes in my bedroom closet and couldn't help but wonder if Chris was aware of how much I hurt?  My heart physically ached.  I didn't want him to know, he might feel bad. But I wanted to know if he was he in the room feeling sad with me and wanting to reach out and hold me or maybe he wished he could talk to me out loud and tell me I'm going to be OK and that he's OK. I wished he would.  I wish it every single day.  I even told him that I wouldn’t be afraid if he did, I'd welcome his voice and not be fearful.  It hasn't happened, YET.

Normally I believe he's alright but I'm having a weak moment.  I miss him so very much and I'm a bit shaky as I write.  These emotions can run all over the place.  So unlike me, today you get me when I'm in a bit of a funk.  But I'll feel better, I always do.  Right now I want some proof that Chris is fine and that I'm not making him feel worse about things when he sees me down.

Does he know his friends Patrick and Peter came to visit me last evening?  Was he in the hallway with us trying to speak over us but we didn't hear him?  Did he get annoyed?  I don't know.  One day I will.  I have faith it'll all make sense sometime in the future.  As I write this, however, I'm distressed.  I would like to know what's going on in the places I can't see or hear, the place where Chris is.


Does he know Bailey and I text and spend time together?  That we share his texts and pictures and tell each other how cute we think he is?  I wonder if he laughs at us and rolls his eyes.  I wonder if he cries with us when we can't hold it any longer and tries as hard as he can to reach us and help us feel his presence.

I have a strong feeling my son is nearby but it's frustrating I can't see him.  Frustrating is a lame word... I'm worse than frustrated.  I'm somewhere in between that and frantic.  Is Chris sometimes standing in front of me yelling my name and begging me to hear him?  If so, how awful that I don't hear him.  I'd like some proof he's OK.

Talking this out seems to help.  It took me a while to complete this blog; I know it's not one of my more upbeat ones.  If you've made it this far though then thank you for that.  You're really hanging in there with me and I appreciate it.  You've actually helped me to feel better.  I'm not wiping my eyes anymore.  


I'm not sure what your thoughts are regarding those on the other side.  I do believe our loved ones are with us.   I also believe they don't hurt once they pass.  Those who have suffered injuries, illnesses and diseases... I believe they're healed and whole.  I'm not sure why I felt shaky last night.  I don't know why my mind swayed.  Fright I guess, the unknown. Maybe it was all the quiet in the house?  Putting faith in God but then questioning it in a weak moment isn't good.  I'll do better.  I have room for improvement but I'll get there in time.  For now it's best if I get back on track and re-focus.  I hope when you feel shaky you're able to regroup too.  I recommend it.



Thank you for reading.


45 comments:

  1. Good Morning Regina,

    If you ask what my feeling are about the presence of loved ones that have past.. I say absolutely yes! I've had many many discussions with other people about this subject..
    My Uncle is a priest.. Maybe I should speak with him.. Because the presence I feel very strongly many times a week are his parents.. My Grandparents.. I've spoken to my mother and sisters about this.. They all have similar experiences. The time that my Grandfather passed in the middle of they night.. We are frequently woken up or startled.... The same exact time in the afternoon strange things have occurred .. I don't even have to look at the clock .. I already know what time it is..
    Chris may have his own sign that he is nearby.. He may be frustrated that you haven't figured it out yet.. Who knows? It may take a little bit of time for you to see trend or figure it out..

    Hang in there Regina... We are here for you.. Keep the flow of words and feelings coming.. It's healing..
    Hugs...

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  2. Regina,
    My heart tightened as I read your blog this morning. I think you have the ability to move people because your feelings are so close to ours. Although, I can only speak for myself and I have had the same questions you have. I am glad your faith stays strong because I also believe our faith gets us through. Without it what would we have.

    I am sure you will have better days and days that are not so stellar. I am happy you are able to share those feelings. Can you imagine if you were not able to share? I believe Chris is there with you , in your heart, and he is showing you he is there by encouraging you to write as an outlet.

    I too am quite sure and through my faith believe in eternal life. I am quite sure from hearing of others experiences in after- life and near death experiences that Chris is safe and stays near to guide you and protect you and let you know he will never leave you.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. My tears as well!

    May God Bless You

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  3. I believe that the bond of love is never broken. I believe that our loved ones have a place in our hearts, minds and lives, even when we can no longer see them. Keep the faith. Hugs to you. I hope you have a good day.

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  4. I believe that our loved ones are with us it may not be every minute of every day but they are there when you need them. My stepdad passed unexpectedly almost 8 years ago. It was a pulmonary embolism. Mom told he a few months after he passed she was in the kitchen and swore she could smell steak being grilled from inside the house. She went outside and there was no one grilling. Steak was stepdads favorite meal. There have also been little things that have also happened that she can't explain but knows in her heart it is him. I hope you are having a better day today. I do believe in my,heart our loved ones are happy where they go after they have passed. My stepdad was a joker and I gave seen some things that I can't explain that have made me laugh and u know it's him. He just letting me know he is the same person he was and is happy. Thank you for sharing. God bless

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  5. There are no words that can convey the shared ache in my heart for you during these moments of profound grief. You embody the spirit of motherhood. And I wish we could ease your pain through our compassionate listening and sharing. When these waves of grief come like this I hope that you can just ride the wave, breathe, and know that this too shall pass... leaving in its wake just the love and gratitude for a life well-lived and a spirit that lives on through all of us.

    Love and light to you today Regina.

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  6. Regina, I stumbled across your blog and have been reading it daily ever since. You speak to me, both as a mother and as someone who has suffered a tremendous loss. You express yourself incredibly well, and I find it easy to relate to you - having become a mother last year (your stories, love & courage inspire me, I hope to be half as good a mom as you!), and also having lost my sister almost four years ago. You are finding strength in your darkest hour - strength that I think was there even before you had to carry on after the loss of your son. I find YOU inspiring. I know that doesn't help in your toughest moments - (does anything? Let me know if you find out) - but I hope it does encourage you to keep writing. I'm glad you find comfort in putting your thoughts into words - I enjoy reading them.

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  7. Keep the faith Regina. Keep looking for the signs. You may no longer be able to see or speak to Christopher in person anymore, but I believe, REALLY BELIEVE, that our loved ones send us signs. I get them often from my Mom. She has only been gone one year now and I have had many. They always amaze me when they happen, and I know it has to be her because there is no other explanation for them. My sister has experienced them too. Our Mom was a huge presence in our families lives. She was the center.
    My wish for you is that as you move through each day, something will happen, you'll see something, you'll feel something and you WILL KNOW without a doubt, that it's your Christopher. I hope that you will find a little more peace, a little more comfort as each new day unfolds. Hugs to you and God Bless.

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  8. My heart aches for you today. I'm praying you have a better day today, you deserve it. I think the ones we love are never too far away, we carry them in our hearts. I notice the little signs more now that I am an adult. For me, it's finding a few pictures of my Mimi & I at my baby shower for my son, I never knew those pictures existed. It's the scent of her perfume wafting by when there's no breeze. I think they become our guardian angels in a way.
    Hugs and prayers for you!
    God Bless!

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  9. Its so bitterly cold, you were probably worried about your sons. You are a Mom. I hope you feel better today. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

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  10. This is my first time writing Regina. I have followed this story and your blog from day 1. Like so many in our area, I was so distraught the moment I heard the news. I have a little 13 year old blond haired, blue eyed football player. So obviously, I can so relate. In fact, he was at that Siena game that night too, with my husband and a few friends, for it was his 13th birthday celebration. Others have said it. We have all felt your pain as parents, because losing a child is our biggest fear. We have lived lives so similar to yours, and have a hard time understanding that our great, hard working kids can have it all taken away by someone else's negligence. It's so unfair. I wanted to write today though, because I do believe in signs from our loved ones who have passed. I never did, until I lost my mom three years ago. My daughter was a student in Rhode Island and came home to spend the last days in the hospital with my mom because they had been so close. My best friend, who is very religious, came to the hospital and brought a prayer card which she and my daughter said together over my mom. After my mom passed and my daughter was back at school she was walking around Newport. A random person on the street was handing out prayer cards and reached out to my daughter with one. As she took it, she nearly fell on the ground, because of all of the prayers in the world, it was the very one she and my friend had said over my mom days before she passed. A definite sign. There have been others that have been highly specific like this one. I know your beautiful Christopher is with you Regina, and I hope you continue to feel his presence.

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  11. So, Regina, you find yourself in a bit of a funk. Really? Girl-do you realize it is a miracle you can pull yourself out of bed in the morning? You are getting up, caring for your family, going to work, going to fundraisers, blogging, and keeping Chris's memory alive. You are lending support to Chris's friends and especially to Bailey. You are helping a community to heal, all while attempting to come to terms with the tragic and unexpected loss of your son. YOUR SON. Funk? Yeah, one might find themselves in a "funk". You have accomplished more in these last 7 weeks than most people could in a lifetime. And you still have to fight every day to carry on. I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. I'm not surprised you are having difficult and questioning moments. As you are forced to proceed with this new normal that you neither asked for, or deserve, you are bound to struggle with frustration, anger, and profound sadness. I only hope that some of the replies you get to your blog posts give you a little bit of strength, and you feel the compassion and support of a community that is in awe of you. I believe you will soldier on, and I hope you will feel Chris carry you in his big strong arms when you feel you can walk no more. He is with you always, like a hand print on your heart. I believe he is proud of you, and understands your grief. Just keep FEELING --happy and sad. You can't really recognize one unless you know the other. The signs of his presence will come to you when you least expect it. I believe.

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    1. Agree...perfectly said Ellen!

      Regina...sending lots of hugs your way!

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    2. I agree Ellen. your words are perfect to describe what I want to say to Regina.

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    3. very well said Ellen you are right on!!!

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  12. Your questions are questions that have plagued me my whole life. They are issues I struggle with, mostly the unknown, after we are gone... I remember vividly when I was younger, I was afraid to fall asleep because I was afraid I would die in my sleep. It must have been that prayer we had to say at night:

    Now I lay me down to sleep,
    I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
    If I shall die before I wake,
    I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen.

    It was the last thing we did before falling asleep and that line, If I shall die before I wake, made me think that people died in their sleep... Why wouldn't I be afraid to fall asleep??

    I never had my kids say that version of prayer because I didn't want to scare them, the way I was scared. Instead, I had them say "Guide and guard me through the night and wake me with the mornings light" It's much gentler, don't you think?

    You mentioned putting faith in God and questioning during the weak moments. I'm sure God expects us to question him, only he knows his plan! We are here trying to figure life out, aren't we? It's easy to trust in God when things are going well. It's easy to thank God when our lives are where we want them to be. It's when we are angry, confused, or hurting that we question God. And most of all needing the answers...

    I love to believe in my heart that those who left before us are happy and at peace and shining that down on us. I love to believe that heaven (or eternity) is a beautiful place/existence where the struggles we face here on earth are gone and we can truly be happy at home when it is our time. I believe that we meet up with those who left before us. I believe they are with other loved ones who are keeping them close, until we can meet up again. I believe Chris is right beside you, but not forcing you to hear him or see him. I believe he understands more than we do right now. We are taught that there is eternal happiness and Chris is happy. He wants you to believe that.

    I read a book that I revert back to when I'm struggling. One of the quotes from the book said “We’re not completely happy here because we’re not supposed to be! Earth is not our final home; we were created for something much better.” ― Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life

    Although it hurts more than words can say, when our loved ones are gone, I have to believe they are in a better place, waiting for us. Even happy... I force myself to believe this, because it's easier than the questions I can't find the answers to... I know I want to believe they are happy. It helps me to believe that, through the hurt there is good at the other end.

    I cannot fathom struggling to find the answers you are seeking. I can only pray that those around you can comfort you and help you find a sense of peace with each day as it unfolds. I know we've all faced challenges that we beg for answers, and they don't come, and we beat ourselves up until we are exhausted and then give in... It's understandable you are shaky and you have your days. Those are the days you reflect, you write and tend to apologize for not being upbeat (which is not necessary) find solid ground, and get back up. There is quite a process that unfolds from the first word to the last word of some of your blogs that is so powerful... I walk the struggle with you and struggle to find the right words to write back... Only hoping to help. You have shown me a strength that only a mother can have, that will guide you, moment to moment. You are so spiritual, kind and wise beyond what you realize right now Regina.

    God bless....

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    1. I got a shiver that ran across me as I went to send my reply... I had to share.

      When we go to publish our replies we have to "Prove we are not a robot" and type in the random codes they have.

      The random code for today, for my post is "iathome"... A sign from Chris that he's home? I am not sure if the #'s 325 are significant, but that is what was after "iathome"?

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  13. Regina - I believe that our relatives or friends that have passed walk by our side everyday and are there to love us and support us in whatever we need when we need it!

    I believe Chris is with you every day. I believe that he has feelings, he thinks about what is happening and how he can help you and your family even thought you cannot feel, see or hear him. When the time is right you will. You will be flooded with all he has to say and what he is feeling.

    I have so much more to say but Ellen's post says it all! I know you don't think you should be feeling what you are or you should be stronger and not have weak moments but you are absolutely 100% one of the strongest individuals that I have encountered!

    May your family and Chris hug you tight today!

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  14. Dear Regina,

    You don't know me. But I heard about Chris and Deanna on a news website. While I don't know either of them, it was a really sad thing to hear that two very young people were taken much too soon. I used to live in Manheim, PA and just two years ago, my former high school experienced a similar tragedy. 4 football players left a team breakfast on the morning of January 16, 2011. I don't know where they were going, possibly just going for a drive and hanging out. It had snowed the night before and they lost control of their vehicle. They collided with another vehicle and all 4 of them passed away. I only knew one personally, but I only knew him when was very young (he is the step brother of an old friend). Based on what I had read and watched on the news, they were great kids. I wasn't living in PA at the time but it hit me hard. It's small town and football is huge. It was a big tragedy. They just had a lantern release last week on the 2 year anniversary.

    My mom and I were just talking last night about 'signs' from our deceased relatives. Both my grandfathers died before I was born. My dad's brother also died before I was born. I was five-years-old when my mom's eldest brother passed and then in 2006, my mom's other brother passed away after contracting an infection after surgery (he had just finished chemo weeks before...he was cancer free). My Uncle's father just passed away this week. While we didn't know him very well and only saw him on occasion, it made us think about heaven and if our relatives are able to send us signs that they are ok. I truly believe they always do.

    Last May on the 6th year anniversary of my Uncle Lionel's death, my mom and I visited the cemetery. We brought flowers and the day before I saw little plastic windmills at the craft store and thought those would be nice in his vase. At the cemetery (we also visit my mom's father and eldest brother -- they are buried together) we walked over to his plot and mom took out the dirty flowers and placed in the new ones. I took the windmills out of the bag and placed each one gently in the vase. A total of 3. One on the left and one on the right. I placed the 3rd in the center, facing my mom and I. Right after I placed it in and stepped back, the windmill slowly started turning and got a bit faster. I looked at the other ones and they were perfectly still. There was no wind, not even a breeze. Suddenly, a sense of peace came over me and I said, "Mom! He's waving at us! That's him waving at us and saying hello!" She smiled and nodded her head. We stayed for a little while longer but I really think that was a sign from my Uncle Lionel saying he was ok. Or that he was there with us. He knows we hurt and wanted us to smile by turning the windmill.

    I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you feel his presence. I am sure he's always with you. Many prayers and thoughts for you and your family. As well as Deanna's. Feeling is healing.

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  15. I believe that those that have passed on are with us all the time. The love we shared with those who have passed on is never broken,it grows stronger. I pray that you have a better day!!

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  16. I would recommend reading the book "Heaven is for Real". It was of great comfort to me when I needed it most. I believe my son is around me all of the time. I receive dimes from my son, I know it sounds weird but it is true.

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  17. I struggle with the same thoughts day after day. How coincidental... we both had rough nights last night.
    Last night I finished up my recruiting video for rowing and was so proud of it, and I had just uploaded it to youtube and my recruiting page when I saw someone calling me on my cell phone from an area code that I didn't know. I probably was a tad snippy when I picked it up, thinking it was a telemarketer, but really it was a division III college coach wondering if I had a minute to chat about his school and my future plans. He ended up being really amazing and we connected so well. We talked for almost an hour! It was fantastic.
    When I hung up the phone, I started to search through my contacts for another number: my Nana's, my friend's... this usually doesn't happen. Usually I'm good about being grounded and connected to the painful reality that I have to face. Last night though, somehow I forgot that, if I dialed my Nana, I'd get the message that the number was out of service. I've tried before, just because I couldn't face the fact that she was gone.
    This brings me to how similarly we felt last night. I began wondering frantically whether she saw me, whether she was proud, whether she was really talking to me and I couldn't hear, and worse, whether when I talked to her, I wasn't talking to anything.
    This morning, I am better. For now, I am good. I'm thankful for that. I slept well without any of the usual nightmares and I'd like to think that was her doing.

    I truly believe that the people we love and the people who have made an impact on our lives never leave us. It is just that we have temporary moments of insanity and overwhelming grief when we believe otherwise. I hope you don't mind that I talk to Chris when he can spare a moment away from your family and Bailey as well. If he's the person that everyone has said he is, I'm sure we would have been friends.

    Keep your head up through these times and lean on us. You need us and we need you. Don't be ashamed to fall apart. We all need to allow ourselves time to be sad, but also time to be happy. Chris, I'm sure, understands.

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  18. Regina,
    This is the most complex question of our lives. One without a physical answer. There are many things we will go through to get the answer and to bring us the comfort our earthly minds desperately need. I lost my first husband in a car accident almost 17 years ago. We were a very young married (me 22 and him just 21 when he passed). His wake and funeral are still vivid in my mind. I remember the shock and disbelief. I remember wondering if he was hungry a week after the burial. I remember being trapped somewhere between my physical and spiritual thoughts craving evidence...something that would bring me hope that he was ok. I remember somehow knowing his body was just an empty shell. I knew instinctively that his life force was no longer in his body, but that it still existed somewhere. But where? I'm a believer of God and the whole Jesus message, but when someone passes it rocks your faith and sometimes for years. I found myself asking the questions do I really believe in all of this? Is there a heaven? Do we simply just cease to exist? Someone give me proof that everything will be alright and settle my soul. I eventually began pushing into the one who created me and had everything I was longing for.

    Years later, I went on into my new life chapters. I had to. But there is a longingness that is deep within my heart that has never left me. It's that hope for eternity. That the story is much bigger than my story or my family's story. That life is far greater than my plans. It gives me hope that is unshakeable after all of these years. Eternity is on my mind every day. I never went back to my old normal. I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.

    I am currently rereading the book by Rick Warren "What On Earth Am I Hear For?" It is a simple yet profound book. Life changing. It helped me make sense of my existence and find my purpose. Today's Chapter title was "Made To Last Forever". I hope you don't mind me sharing just a little of it. I promise not to take up this much space on a response EVER again. :)

    "No mere man has ever seen, heard or even imagined what wonderful things God has ready for those who love the Lord. However, God has given us glimpses of eternity in his word. We know that right now God is preparing an eternal home for us. In heaven we will be reunited with loved ones who are believers, released from all pain and suffering, rewarded for our faithfulness on earth, and reassigned to do work that we will enjoy doing. We won't lie around on clouds with halos playing harps! We will enjoy unbroken fellowship with God, and he will enjoy us for an unlimited, endless forever. One day Jesus will say, Come you who are blessed by my father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world."

    In closing, I don't know if God lets our loved ones linger near us. If so, for how long. I do know somewhere deep inside my heart that this assignment on earth is temporary, but eternity is forever. Let yourself go there and reach out to God. Let yourself imagine what Chris is experiencing with God. Let yourself imagine that reunion. Let yourself imagine the place God is preparing for us that death will never take away. My feeling is Chris is there and working for God, he sees God in all his glory and understands things we cannot fathom, yet. He sees us struggling as we deal with our finite world. God is doing something amazing through this tragedy.

    Many blessins!!
    Rachael

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    1. Rachael, this is beautiful. I spoke above of Rick Warren's - The Purpose Driven Life.

      I have wanted to recommend The Purpose Drive Life to Regina, I might have, but if not, I know it helped me in the past.

      Thank you for sharing What On Earth Am I Here For. I believe I will find that book.

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    2. Justine-I just read your post. So funny we would both think of that book. It has transformed my life. I just started an online group through saddleback.com. Rereading it with a few ladies around the country. You can join us on Thursdays from 1-2pm, if you are interested.

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    3. Regina: I read your blog everyday but only replied once before. I had to today because I feel you getting frustrated at not recognizing signs from Chris. Please don't beat yourself up on this. I believe that Heaven is utter happiness and if our loved ones were able to look back at our stuggling, they would be sad, and there is no sadness or pain in Heaven. I know you have Chris deep in your heart regardless.

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  19. Hi Regina,

    When both my parents died tragically I had the same feelings and needed answers. I struggeld for a long time until my sister went to a psychic. She told her things noone could have known. Not being a big believer but knowing I wanted some answers I decided what could it hurt to try. Her name is Tracy Fluty 331-9376!! She told me things about my parents truly truly noone could have known. I had chills as she spoke to me.

    I think about and pray for you and your whole family everyday!

    Love your blog!
    Thank you for sharing
    Sharon

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  20. Hello Regina,

    I read your blog often, I feel the same way. I do believe that Chris is with you always!! That there are moments that when you are feeling this way is probably his way of telling you that he is there with you. I wish I could say that it is gonna get easier but I can't and won't but you writing your thoughts down is probably the best therapy that their could be. I believe that he can see you and Bailey and he probably does laugh with you and cry with you he loved you so I am sure that he is protecting the ones that he loved most!!! I hope this helped a little and you and your family are always on my mind (even though I never met you or your family).

    Please stay strong and keep writing your blog's they really are uplifting even if you don't feel as though they are!

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts with all of us!!

    Robin :)

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  21. I am amazed that you are upright, functioning and blogging! I read your blog first thing in the morning before I even get in the shower.every day I think will this be the day that you just can't blog and I know my prayers for you will need to be doubled! But there it is everyday...you amaze me...so you say you are In a "funk"you of all people are entitled to have these days of funk!

    I believe Chris is in a better place and I know one day the two of you will be reunited. I know too that Chris is here and that thanks to you he lives in all our hearts.

    I know I see him everywhere and think of him when I eat a sandwich, come home to dishes in the sink, walk down the detergent isle and see tide with febreeze, watch my kids dance to kinects!

    Last night I went to a confirmation meeting with one of my students who asked me to be their sponsor. There was a big boy there like Chris and couldn't help thinking about your Chris and wondering if this boy liked some of the same foods, had a stinky football uniform? Or if he possessed similar traits.

    Chris is here, he lives in everyone of us, we see and think about him all the time. Thanks to you his amazing ,loving, doting mom. He worries about you, but he is beaming with pride knowing how much you really love him. He always knew I am sure...now he feels it too...so if you are overcome by a warmth you can not explain...it is Chris with his loving embrace thanking you for being his mom!

    So girlfriend, if you are in a funk and you want to blog about it...you go right ahead! We are here with you all the way and not just for your upbeat blogs! For them all!

    God bless you!

    XO

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  22. Life doesn't come with instructions. You take the good with the bad and take one day at a time.
    In my opinion there is something on the other side when one passes.
    Back in 1994 when my Nana passed I was in my college dorm asleep when this bright light was in the room and an image of an older lady was standing before, she reached her hand out and said my child I am here and always looking out for you!!! Chris is always looking down and protecting you and Bailey.

    Thanks for your blight. I enjoy reading it every day.

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  23. Regina,

    I know I posted earlier...but I went to a wake and funeral of a friend tonight and someone got up and read this poem and it was so completely perfect for your post today that I want to share it with you...

    Love from Heaven

    As I sit here in heaven, and watch you everyday
    I try to let you know with signs, I never went away
    I hear you when you're laughing, and watch you as you sleep
    I even place my arms around you to calm you as you weep
    I see you wish the days away,begging to have me home
    So I try to send you signs,so you know you're not alone
    Don't feel guilty that you have life that was denied to me
    Heaven is truly beautiful just you wait and see
    So live your life, laugh again, enjoy yourself, be free
    Then know with every breath you take, you'll be taking one for me
    Author unknown

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    1. the poem is beautiful!!! you should post it on Chris and Deanna's fb pages so it can be shared.

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  25. Regina,
    Excuse me as I wipe tears from my eyes as I read this. I feel your pain through your words. I know the feeling when your heart actually physically hurts. I never knew that your heart could actually hurt until I lost a loved one and now I know first hand. I cry with you on a daily basis. I didn't know Chris, but I feel like I do now. I do believe that Chris is right with you. In fact, I know he is, but I understand how you just want to see signs. You want to know he is ok. You are allowed to be in funks! Honestly, I think Chris is watching you and is so proud of his mom and is giving you the strength and the words to pen in this blog. Thank you for sharing your thoughts each and everyday and thank you for sharing your son with us. As a Shen mom of a 17 year old and 10 year old son myself, I can only hope my boys have half the character Chris had. God Bless! <3
    Laurie

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  26. Dear Regina, I had to break this up into sections it is too long.
    Yes he is there and he is ok. I hope this fills your heart with joy. Preston is Bailey cousin he is 4 years old. Back in about October Preston was having contact with my mom which I found very interesting because he did not know her he was just three weeks old when she passed. So I was thrilled he was connecting with her. Before she passed I begged her to come back to me and let me know she was ok. I have had connections with her before but this was the strongest I have had with her. Preston had a conversation with her right in front of me. At one point it scared the crap out of me because he pointed to where she was and toy went off in his room the exact second he said I see Mema. I scared him and he rubbed my head and said no I don't see her go to sleep. We were lying down for his bed time. I said Preston no no I am not scared of Mema I was scared of the toy going off. Thank goodness I did not scare him off. He continued to have the conversation with her. And the last thing he told me was she said it was going to be OK. I had no idea what he was talking about just so happy to connect with my mom.

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  27. Well then shortly after the accident and we finally got the courage to tell Julius and Preston Chris passed. They asked about him every day. So I talked to the school counselor and she helped me with the words on how to tell them. I said very calmly Chris is with Mema. They knew Mema was in heaven and I was doing ok with her in heaven. I thought it was safe to tell them Chris was with Mema. Hoping to help their pain of losing him. One night my husband was in the bathroom with Preston and he told him I saw Chris in the corner of my room. I was so thrilled he told my husband that because you’re right you do wonder. Then another time Preston told me and Julius that Chris was standing next to Mema in Julius's room. He pointed them out to us but we could not see them. I know they were there. Then one day we got home from school and Julius was at a friend’s house so it was just Preston and I. My front door was opened and he was sitting directly behind it having a snack. It was so strange because the door was right up against his face. I was like Preston what are you doing? You’re going to get hurt by the door. I said can you go play somewhere else. He said ok and went under my kitchen table. He was having a grand old time. It was like he had a play date over. He was having a snack. Then they colored he was talking up a storm. I was like what the heck is he doing? He would look at me a couple times to see if I could see what they were doing. No one was there. I said Preston who are you talking too? He said no one. Hee hee and continued on. It lasted for at least a half hour. I was thrilled because I could get some things done. "Thank you Chris for the play date." Then we went to Bailey's and he told Bailey he was playing under the table with Chris. He promised Bailey he would only tell her the truth about when he sees Chris. Then another day Preston and I were sitting on my couch watching TV and Preston pointed and said Chris is standing right there. He pointed by the door he was hiding behind couple days before. I told Preston tell Chris that we know he is here and he needs to go take care of Bailey and come back another day. He has been gone for a while. I did ask Preston tonight before I read your blog have you seen Chris lately and he said yes he comes back at night time. He did not share too much and I don't want to push because I am hoping he will never lose that connection. Sweet Regina and precious Bailey here is your proof he is there and someday I promise you, you will definitely feel him and know he is there. I truly believe my mom knows I am intuitive to her and that is why she brought Chris to Preston. Sorry I did not share with you sooner but once I saw this blog I was crying my eyes out. Talking to you out loud yes he is there can you hear me? I was like Do I call, do I write, do I drive to your house. Yes he is there I promise. He might not be there always because he has to take care of Bailey, his dad and check on his brother. But he will be back. I am not sure of all the answers to your questions but I will certainly try to find out. But I do know he is there and OK. Love Chris

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    1. This gave me the good chills!! Your son is very intuitive, I hope he keeps his gift forever. I hope Regina reads or hears about your response soon, it will make her so happy and make her spirit soar!!! Wouldn't it be great for Preston to visit Regina and have Chris visit at that moment? I would love to hear that news! Thank you for sharing this, I love it!

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  28. You know I read your blog when I can and you know I read every blog and respond to every blog. I hope you can feel my support for you on the tough days. Every day I pray for your strength and peace of mind and heart. I have no doubts that Chris is with you as much as he can be. I am a firm believer that the spirits are among us. thinking of you today and every day. Tina

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  29. I absolutely and whole-heartedly believe in ADC (After-Death Communications). I've experienced them my whole life and even when my children were little, they did. My daughter was only one when my grandpa passed away but he spent several good years with her older brother, my son. It eventually got to the point where she refused to go to my mother's house because she said "the man was always there at the top of her stairs!" I never brushed these things off and woukd just say "Did you know him?" (No.) Was he scary? (No.) Does he say anything to you?" To which my daughter, probably 3 or 4 at this time, said "Yes, he says shhhusshhh and tells me not to be scared." About a year later we were watching my son's baptism video, and my grandpa, who was usually the one BEHIND the camera, was being filmed for a change. My daughter yells out, "That's the guy from Gramma's house!" Talk about chills. She was 1 year and 2 months when he passed. I've always had similar occurances too. A lot of things happen in our dreams - that's when our loved ones like to visit us a lot. PLEASE read "Hello From Heaven!" By Bill and Judy Guggenheim, or e-mail me your mailing address and I'll sent you mine! (jenmalatino@yahoo.com) I don't doubt for a moment that your sweet Christopher is with you all the time, but don't be worried that he's frustrated that you can't see or hear him every time. If anything, he's probably having a bit of fun with you - moving things around, hiding things on you etc.) and if he's frustrated at all it's because you're not noticing his pranks! He just wants you to be happy, Regina. We all do. Give it time. You'll soon see what you've been looking for. And probably have yourself a good laugh and maybe even some happy tears!
    Hugs to you, xx
    Jen

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  30. He knows, he cares, and he WILL let you know when HE knows you can handle him coming to you. Its a matter of relaxation and being open.

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  31. Dear Gina,
    I Believe our loved ones are near us all the time, never too far away. The replies I have read about this writing are absolutely amazing and beautiful. I Believe you will have some of your questions answered soon, if not already. Thank You for sharing this writing and your feelings and your heart with us everyday. I will ask Christopher and Deanna in my prayers throughout the day to give you and all the family members a little sign to let you know they are with you. Your writings are so special, and have such importance to my daily life, and so many others, Thank You....big hug from your brother. Always In My Thoughts And Prayers, Love You, Eddie

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  32. Like many others in our area, the story of Chris, Deanna, Bailey and Matt have really touched me and helped me to appreciate all the silly little things in each day. I've beoome a regular reader of your blog. Another blog I read regularly is Gina Peca at the Times Union. If you haven't already, I highly recommend it to you. She lost her daughter to cancer, and more recently, her husband, but she talks frequently about the "signs" from them. I think you'd enjoy it and relate. http://blog.timesunion.com/ginapeca/

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