This blog has become such a comfort to me this past month, I think it's my own self-imposed therapy. Matter of fact I'm sure it is. I look forward to the quiet time I spend and even I wonder what I'm going to say. Sometimes I have an idea and others I don't. I just start typing and words pour out.
I like trying to speak visually. I believe most of our brains work that way. If I can paint a picture in your mind then I can share what's in mine. I've never felt especially good at putting my thoughts on paper but as we've all heard before, when you're passionate about something it's easy to discuss. I think I ooze with passion for my boys...
I've been avoiding one special person on purpose. It's driving me nuts. Today I've had enough. I'm sharing him with you. Christopher's big brother Jeremy.
I know he prefers to live in obscurity, and I will leave him there for the most part, but he's such a big piece of this family and my heart that I can't suppress my discussion of him any longer.
Jeremy is my first born son. I was petrified to bring him home. At Bellevue we were safe, we had nurses and visitors and many people around us. When we got home it was just Mike and me. Oh my gosh! We did all the things many of you probably did too. We would poke him to be sure he was breathing because he slept so soundly. We overdressed him for fear he was cold, fed him like clockwork every four hours even if that meant we had to wake him from a nap (how silly! let the child sleep!!) , carried him around everywhere, ran to him when he whimpered and lingered beside him with every step to prevent falls.
I think I still do all those things. Well, I would if he would allow me but he's s a toughie, so independent. It drives me nuts. I tell him from time to time to “stop taking away my motherly happiness”... I want to do things for him. I argue with him to stop taking my joy away. He too rolls his eyes at me.
Jeremy was a Gerber baby. He had dark hair and eyes and the creamiest skin. Adorable. Mike says Christopher was not AS cute but I don't know... they were just different. Poor Chris had skin allergies... Jeremy had none. It wasn't Chris's fault he had skin rashes in most of his baby pictures while Jeremy was glowing! (ha hah!) They were both beautiful :-)
Jeremy was an easy baby. He traveled well and we dragged him everywhere. He went to the Super Bowl with us in January 1993 when he was eleven months old. I wanted to see Michael Jackson, the half time entertainment; Mike wanted to see the Buffalo/Dallas game. Jeremy? He slept in my arms the whole time. That should have been our red alert he wasn't playing football!
As a little guy Jeremy was easily amused with videos and baking. Barney was a big hit as were Power Rangers. We used to make all kinds of desserts together too. Cookies, brownies, cakes... those were good. We used to sit on the kitchen floor to mix and scoop since it was easier for him than sitting at a grown up table. he could reach better. We'd use a timer while things were in the oven and he was diligent about checking it and giving me a countdown.
When Chris came along three years later, Jeremy was very excited. He went on and on about his new baby brother. He liked feeding Chris his bottle. He also liked when Chris napped so we could play uninterrupted. What toddler wouldn't? He was good with Chris, plopping his pacifier in his mouth, squeaking toys in his face, alerting me when he pooped and playing in the tub with him.
They also made pretty good rivals once Chris could hold his own at about three or four. They had some really good go rounds for sure. Each has his own way of pushing the others buttons... and tattling on each other.
I remember when Jeremy started Kindergarten... I thought I'd need to be sedated. I was so scared to put him on the bus. He was so happy to go. That upset me. I remember thinking to myself that I must have done something right if this kid isn't afraid to leave me... Yet there I was sobbing like a nut as I drove behind the bus all the way to SHEN. I did it for the whole first week. I'm sure the bus driver noticed me! What was I expecting? Jeremy to hop off at one of the stops??? Oh jeez. Well, as I said in an earlier blog, poor Jeremy is our guinea pig... we're really cautious with him! He'd tell you we're way too protective.
At college we need to send him gentle reminders that we exist. He's busy doing his thing, which technically we KNOW is what he should be doing but we miss him so much! I swear if my phone goes off and it's Jeremy the world stops spinning. The seas part and I shush everyone around me... ssssssshhhhhhhh!!! It's Jeremy! He's sending me a text! My son needs me! Some of his most recent texts? "Can you look for a size 31 or 32 black belt?"... "I'm at the diner"... and "work doesn't need me today"... Doesn't matter what the note says as much as it means the world to me that my phone beeped and it was my son :-)
He sent me a text last Spring from college letting me know he was sitting out in the big open ring where the webcam overlooks. Students sit along a cement circle of sorts or lay in the grass. BIG SCORE for me! BIG MISTAKE in his eyes! I asked him to wave to me, he refused. Damn. OK I tried another approach... I asked him to walk out into the center of the ring. He said he had no reason to - there's nothing out there and people would wonder what the hell he was doing. I didn't care. I pulled one of those "stop taking my motherly joy away" tactics. It worked! He did it... and here I am still talking about it. HUGE props in MY book for that one. I couldn't have felt more special. I'd like to think I'm the only one he'd ever do that for. I'm sticking with that thought.
It's been a really tough month for all of us, especially Jeremy. I know he mourns the loss of his little brother. I also know he's a really smart kid and will do great things with his brother tucked in the back of his mind. Who knows, maybe Jeremy's path will change because of this or maybe it has made things clearer for him. We haven't discussed it. Maybe we will.
I love having Jer home for an extended amount of time. I feel spoiled a little. We get to keep an eye on one another and I know he's safe. I know we only have a couple weeks left before he starts his spring semester but for the time being I'm immersing myself in the luxury of him hanging out. I don't know if he'll be here this summer or if he'll be interning out of state (sigh). He's college kid messy, which bugs me but I'd much prefer a small exposion of clothes or dishes vs the emptiness of a noiseless house.
I love my boys, both equally and in many different ways. They bring me joy and they inspire me. I'm so proud to be their mom and I look forward to sharing more about them as the time comes :-)
Thank you for reading.