I was talking with two different people today about my writing of this blog. I know I’ve traveled down this path before with you but I truly have a brain block as to what you glean from reading it. I’ll probably never know your perspective the same as you will never quite know mine.
I know how I feel writing it. I look forward to putting some words on paper each day although I typically don’t know what those words will be. When I sit to write, all I know is that it’s designated time to focus on Chris and I love that. When I write I turn off the radio or TV and concentrate.
If I didn’t write something down daily and talk about my family and my life since December 1st I wonder how I would be coping? Would I be medicated? (I’m not other than a sleeping aide). Would I even be back at work? I wonder what this blog is doing for my mind, body and spirit versus never having written a single word.
I believe it has done me a world of good. My son was not just an accident you saw on the TV news for a two minute story. You took the time to get to know my son. Chris was everybody’s son and/or brother. He was an ordinary kid, just like other seventeen year old boys you may know.
Reading this blog for five minutes each day, or however long you allow yourself, must do something for you. People don’t do something for two straight months when it creates no value for them. I’m beyond grateful you value my son and my spin on his life. Whatever it does for you thrills me. I don’t think you could ever know what it means in the course of my day to know you support me as a mom and a member of this community. You inspire me at times when I feel I’m in a straight jacket and can’t move. You tell me it’s OK to take as much time as I need to get a grip on things and that you support me. Whether you say it thru a response to this blog or in person when you see me out, it doesn’t matter. You help me feel I’m not alone in my grief.
Sometimes I wonder what kind of sense I even make when you read. The interesting thing is, from where I sit daily as I type, I tell myself nobody is reading. I write for me and my son because it’s one of the things I have now, thank God. I write from a selfish part of my insides where I hold Chris close to me. I feel like I’m opening my heart up to where I can share the random thoughts that race around. I spoke to Chris in the same manner I speak to you. I guess I only know how to write as if I’m talking out loud. I think I’m more of a “blabber” than a speaker with the wandering of my brain as I type the words. I only know one way to do it and it’s still very new to me, only about two months old. I never wrote anything like this before.
I guess what the gist is here is that although I’ll never really comprehend all that my blog does and all the emotions it spurs, I suppose I don’t need to. What difference does it make so long as the outcome is positive? If you feel compelled for a little while to embrace my son along with me, then we’re fortunate together. I know wholeheartedly you would have liked Chris. He was goofy and happy and fun loving and if you had snacks nearby; all the better. He would help you eat them and you would enjoy a giggle! If reading this blog once a day helps you be a better person for even a fleeting moment then I say “thanks Chris!” you have found a way to remain alive within us and you’re rubbing off on us. Keep it up Squirt, we love you! :-)
Thank you for reading.