I had debated with myself to actually even post it. I had this little tug of war internally because I knew the post was not uplifting and I feared I would cause you a bad day. I dread being down when I write but it would be unfair and a total cover up if I didn't speak from my heart at the very moment I was typing.
I can tell you I was torn about what I wrote. Yes, it was exactly what was on my mind but I was scared and feeling quite vulnerable that you would think I'm weak. Truthfully, many times I am. You probably already figured that out! I had no idea so many of you would feel compelled to write back. I really had myself convinced that the blog was going to float into oblivion as a total downer. You all surprised me.
As hard as many of your responses were to read, they also help me to understand how you faced the night and the next morning and all the days after it. I really didn't expect the exchange between us. I appreciate that you went back in time to that night to recall where you were and what was happening. I actually get a better bigger view of how it has affected you.
You validated my feelings and I am thankful for that. I don't like writing posts that drag us to dark places. This whole writing thing is so brand new to me still that taking chances and putting my feelings on the line is frightening. I didn't start this blog to make friends; I started it really for my own selfish reasons to talk about my son, his death and my life. It seems I have made many friends now and for that I'm grateful. My intent was just to verbalize and create on paper some of my memories so my son wouldn't go away.
Well, things today were quieter. I spent some time sorting thru Christopher's "baby box". I have one for each of the boys and it's loaded with things from the time they were born right up till now.
I was looking at his Baptismal candle, first spoon, hair from his first haircut, his first shoes, stuffed animals from his crib, uniform shirts from soccer and baseball and bowling, report cards, school writing projects, class pictures, working papers, etc. I sifted thru stacks of tests and reports Chris wrote. I'm glad I have it all at my fingertips. It may not be organized but it's in one spot.
I remember from time to time Chris wanted to look in his box. He'd yank the rubbermaid tub out from under the bed and drag stuff out and laugh about the silliness of a paper he wrote or he'd think it was so funny that he was so small when he'd look at some of the clothes.
Last summer I showed Bailey the box. We took off the cover and I was pulling things out for her to see. She thought it was so cute that I had all these things stuffed away.
We cracked up as she checked out his newborn photos and I went on to tell her how he never slept and was so incredibly nosey because he thought he was missing something if he took a nap.
Chris did his typical eye roll at us but he wasn't embarrassed, it didn't bother him a bit for us to giggle and laugh at his photos, his face rashes or his favorite books and toys. He even had some memories to share as he saw the items once again.
I'm glad I took the time to reminisce in Chris's baby box today. I had mixed emotions looking in it but joy won out for sure. How nice to have a treasure trove at my fingertips with oodles of memories physically available to hold and view.
A big thanks and hug to you too. You embraced me yet again when I was really afraid to hit the send button on my blog post. It is absolutely true that when you give - you receive in abundance back. I am grateful for your kindness and your friendship.
Thank you for reading.