It's been well over three months since you passed and I've been wondering if you've gone thru something like an orientation period in heaven.
I'm curious if there's a training process for new souls? I know you've shown me plenty of signs that you're nearby but I can only hope that if you had been busy with a few months of "angel training", you might become available more often now to come see us. We miss you so much. My mind reels sometimes at the sheer wonder of what is happening with you now that you've passed. If only I could know what you're up to. The speculation causes my imagination to wander.
I'm sure you know I'm keeping an eye on Bailey for you. We text and see each other when we can. She checks up on me too. She still likes to lie in your bed with your stuff all around her. I can't blame her there; I take comfort spending time in your room too. You did have yourself a nice little man-cave. I'm happy we made it comfortable for you and dad bought you that great big Tempurpedic bed. Many of us hop on it periodically and yank the soft brown suede comforter up to our ears. The room smells like you. Polo cologne and Axe deodorant and football cleats all mixed together. There's still an obvious funk in your room caused by poor air circulation I know but I don't want to open the windows and lose your fragrance. They'll stay shut for now.
Can you give us some more of your time now if you finished training? The signs you send are loved and appreciated but we're all looking for a grand moment - well I am anyway. I'd like you to speak out loud or show up in the house and make your physical presence known. You must know it's what I pray for quite often. I know in my heart you're OK because I have faith in God and I know he loves you. He needed you which I can understand. I need you too though and I selfishly miss you and would like you here more often. There's no sense in me not saying it out loud because God already knows I'm thinking and praying for it.
I have a personal desire for you to tell me you don't hurt or that you didn't hurt. I fear you were looking for me and I wasn't able to get to you. You know I would have taken the pain for you. I would and will do anything for you and Jeremy. I'd have protected you had I been there Chris. I would have wrapped my entire body around yours to keep you safe. Now I'll be there for you in a new way, in many new ways. I can still protect you from earth while you protect me from heaven. Seems we have to utilize our relationship in a new way now. I'm still getting used to it.
I know I have you to thank for bringing me closer to Bailey, your coach and the circle of friends in your life. I'm building relationships daily in new ways. The arm’s length hellos and distant waves have turned into hugs and conversations over dinner. They have substance and meaning. We talk about family life and raising kids and past experiences beyond small talk chit chat. You have caused a shift in our thinking and we share quality time together. You get the credit for that. You're not even here and you're making things happen. Keep that up Chris. Teach us to be the one to step up and lend a hand rather than watch and wait for the next guy to do it. Help us be "the next guy".
Don't let up on us Chris. Stay in the forefront of our hearts and minds so we continue on happily. Push us like you pushed your teammates on the field. Remember your motto "Refuse to Lose!" Give us that extra little shove when we feel our knees buckling. Help us stand up taller and pull our shoulders back and tighten our abs so we remain strong for the duration of our lives. Remind us that we haven't reached our “100%” yet and that we can't give up on our life challenges. We need inspiration from a leader like you, even when you're not here in person. I can only imagine how much stronger you are after three months of God directed training.
Keep up the good work Chris, you make us proud. The way you rub off on us is profound. We seem to glom on to your charm and gentle demeanor in our daily view of things yet we also try emulating the ferociousness with which you loved life so we make each day our best. A mighty combination from a seventeen year old who hasn't met most of the people affected. That's pretty special! But then again, you must know everyone by now because you've been watching from afar. We love you Squirt!
Thank you for reading.