I've had my first few public events these past two days. The tree lighting at the mall last night, the one mile scholarship walk this morning and a brief stop by the bottle drive this afternoon. It was a good day, inspirational and truly uplifting. People are kind.
Remember in my first blog I mentioned that people stood in line at the wake who didn't even know us? People that felt compelled to give a hug and share a tear. People that want us to know they ache right along with us and don't know how to help or what to do. Well people are stopping me just the same way today. The hugging hasn't stopped. I wonder, who the heck am I?
I'm just a mom like any of you with kids. Two weeks ago my son was alive and my world was simpler. I moved about in relative obscurity and that was perfectly fine with me. The world that knew me in Clifton Park consisted of neighbors, some SHEN parents, nearby family, high school friends I stay in touch with and my co-workers. I'm sure my life was similar to yours. I dare say it isn't anymore. I now have a lot of friends all over the Capital District and beyond. I have quite a few in Clifton Park, I met them these past two days! Do I prefer it? No quite honestly. Do i like it? Yeah, its kind of nice, a bit overwhelming BUT I'd rather go back two weeks and stop time. I cant do that though, life has thrown me a curveball, or maybe in football terms a Hail Mary? I'd like to think I caught it.
I used to work behind the scenes in TV, I wasn't in front of the monitor and when I went to the diner nobody paid attention to me or my family. Not like they do now. I've heard many of you say I should keep on writing, that you like my blog. I especially think you like that I told you to KNOW your kids hands. People have told me so. That soothes me because I feel scattered inside. I'm unsure if my thoughts come out in a straight enough manner that you might follow how my brain is processing. I'm nervous to hit the send button but I need to. I feel compelled to. Not because I want you to read and like what I have to say but because I'm afraid if I don't keep talking I will forget. I never want to forget my son, either of my sons, nor do I want to forget the things we did or who we were. I don't want my old daily and weekly habits to vanish and be taken over by new ones that will soon become my "normal". I hope I said that clearly. That was a tough one to put in words.
My life is not the same anymore, it changed two weeks ago. I've been forced into a new world that I am not accustomed to. I'd prefer the old one thanks. I'm not sure i know how to manipulate this one and I'm not interested in the job. Trouble is I'm smart enough to realize this is not a position that's negotiable, it's been assigned by a higher power. I have to take it, like it or not. Right now NOT, but believe me when I tell you that YOU help me accept it. Please don't leave me. I feel you have my back as I sit here feeling vulnerable. I need your energy and the comments you post because they reassure me.
If you asked my best friend Shannon if I'm a hugger she would laugh out loud. She wouldn't giggle, she would give one "Ha!" with the roll of her eyes. I'm a tough German, I'm stingy with affection, I'm not big on the touching thing beyond family... and that's usually only on the holidays. ;-)
(And here I wonder why Jeremy makes me work so hard to get close to him???) Jeez, how could I not have noticed that one years ago? I still plan to work on him a little harder though. I hope you read that Jer.
Well anyway, in the past two weeks I believe it's safe to say that I have hugged easily 4,000 people. (Someone pick Shannon up off the floor please)... I am now a hugger! OK, I'll take this job duty. I can handle that one. It's actually rejuvenating. People pass good energy on to me, I feel.
But who am I now? Well I'm working on that. My foundation feels shaky. I may not be able to move around as privately as before but I like it that people know I'm Chris and Jeremy Stewart's mom. I'm honored. I'm so proud of my boys and I'm thankful I can share them with you.