I prayed and prayed yesterday when I heard the news on the shootings in Connecticut. My heart, which is already broken was shattered even deeper. So senseless, I don't understand. How much can a heart and mind handle? How much can we hurt?
My family went to the tree lighting ceremony at the Clifton Park mall last night where Bailey and Matt pulled the switch and lit the tree. The tree lit up all in Shaker blue and SHEN green lights! Covering the tree were personal ornamental notes of love and inspiration by students and community. I'm attaching a picture for you.
From there we were invited to the home of one of the Shaker linemen, a friend Chris had been getting to know better and also a friend and classmate of Bailey's. After we visited so nicely for a while and got reacquainted, our minds and bodies were tired and so we headed home. The plan was for Bailey and her mom Dawn to come sleep over in Christopher's room but Bailey too grew tired and she opted to go home. She'll be over soon, I know. It makes her feel better and rejuvenates her. That thrills me because I know when she comes close to me I get to spend more time with my son. He will never leave her, I KNOW this. I did ask him, with my heart and soul to please spend time with me when he felt he could part from her long enough when/if she was having a good day.
He did! Last night he was back.... In a way. Let me explain, I can't wait to tell you! I can't type fast enough on this iPad....
I fell asleep right away, maybe at 10pm. Did OK for a few hours but woke up. I held Happy (our dog) on my lap and he was especially quiet and stared in my eyes for the longest time, like one of those contests you have with a friend. Then he wandered off my lap and I hopped on the Internet. Checked my bank account online as I had no idea what my balance was and then checked my credit card statement which has taken a wallop this week too. I sent a few e-mails out and tried sleeping again. Someone told me if you wake up DO NOT lay there. Do something and give it a try again later.
Now the amazing part, something I tell you happened. Technically you would call it a dream but I'm not sure what it was because it was so real!!! I'm beyond happy to share and hope you feel my experience.
I said earlier that the tragedy with the children stuns my already overloaded mind. My comprehension of life this past couple weeks has me reeling and the added news of Newtown, CT has my mind spilling over. My son was seventeen... These are just babies. Sweet, innocent children and loving teachers and staff with devastated parents and families now - dealing with this tragedy just before Christmas.
I asked God to help. What I received was a visit from many, many angels, all of them male, right in my bedroom. I saw the profile of my son throwing a ball but he did not look or talk to me. I think God just knew I needed to see him. Even for a split second. Chris was concentrating on a pitch. Now I don't mean to say he was in a baseball game with a uniform on, he was not. I saw him from the waist up at the foot of my bed and he was in his normal wear... A sweat stained tee shirt, dark in color. I want to say it was his SUNY Cortland tee shirt that Kyle was wearing at the tree lighting tonight (don't you dare part with that Kyle!!!!). So Chris was in motion to throw the ball, not competitively but it seemed it was a team of friends messing around in their free time. This was leisurely. I'd like to think he was throwing to Deanna as that was her sport. I feel he was but I did not see who the throw was going to. He was aiming it out my bedroom window into the backyard.
Chris was gone quickly and this small angel, a full grown man, small in stature, appeared. He told me his name but I'm struggling to remember. It started with a P. "Powac"' Parlac" "Pomic"????? It's not coming to me and I remember trying so hard to come up with a phrase to retain his name. Like P for please, A for always, R for remember... But there was so much I wanted to ask that now I can't recall. I hope he comes to see me again soon. He was kind to me, I wanted to know if I could talk to Chris but he wanted to show me other things. I met other angels, regular adult size, men that were mildly quirky looking but not out of the ordinary of those you would meet on the street or in the mall. They were chatty and silly and comforting and they would come and go. I was told all is OK. I felt it was too. I feel better knowing Chris is happy playing ball. I saw him doing it. I asked about the children, the babes we lost yesterday and was assured they're safe. I know how much my son loves kids and bet anything he was right there to hold and play with them. He has a knack.
I want to share the finer details of what happened to me but I fear I can't articulate them well. I can't paint it like I want to. These angles were not floating thru the room nor were they see through. They were people-like with regular builds and normal hair and fairly similar complexions, no different than us but they had a calming effect even though sometimes they moved in and out of my sight quickly. Their entry to my room came as star bursts, like single fireworks. I like fireworks. I don't recall any noise, just the beam coming at me in my bed. I know I was talking as it was happening, I was so happy they came. I know my heart was racing and I was mildly anxious but what was there to fear? I already went thru the nightmare, this could not possibly hurt me more.
I'll share more as I can remember, but for now please hear me - I did experience this. My son is in a good place with everyone from Newtown. I take comfort in that.
In memory of the 28 new angels.