Saturday, December 15, 2012

My Dream...

I prayed and prayed yesterday when I heard the news on the shootings in Connecticut.  My heart, which is already broken was shattered even deeper.  So senseless, I don't understand.  How much can a heart and mind handle?  How much can we hurt?

My family went to the tree lighting ceremony at the Clifton Park mall last night where Bailey and Matt pulled the switch and lit the tree.  The tree lit up all in Shaker blue and SHEN green lights!  Covering the tree were personal ornamental notes of love and inspiration by students and community.  I'm attaching a picture for you.

From there we were invited to the home of one of the Shaker linemen, a friend Chris had been getting to know better and also a friend and classmate of Bailey's.  After we visited so nicely for a while and got reacquainted, our minds and bodies were tired and so we headed home.  The plan was for Bailey and her mom Dawn to come sleep over in Christopher's room but Bailey too grew tired and she opted to go home.  She'll be over soon, I know.  It makes her feel better and rejuvenates her.  That thrills me because I know when she comes close to me I get to spend more time with my son.  He will never leave her, I KNOW this.  I did ask him, with my heart and soul to please spend time with me when he felt he could part from her long enough when/if she was having a good day.

He did!  Last night he was back.... In a way.  Let me explain, I can't wait to tell you! I can't type fast enough on this iPad....

I fell asleep right away, maybe at 10pm.  Did OK for a few hours but woke up.  I held Happy (our dog) on my lap and he was especially quiet and stared in my eyes for the longest time, like one of those contests you have with a friend.  Then he wandered off my lap and I hopped on the Internet.  Checked my bank account online as I had no idea what my balance was and then checked my credit card statement which has taken a wallop this week too. I sent a few e-mails out and tried sleeping again.  Someone told me if you wake up DO NOT lay there. Do something and give it a try again later.

Now the amazing part, something I tell you happened.  Technically you would call it a dream but I'm not sure what it was because it was so real!!! I'm beyond happy to share and hope you feel my experience.

I said earlier that the tragedy with the children stuns my already overloaded mind.  My comprehension of life this past couple weeks has me reeling and the added news of Newtown, CT has my mind spilling over.  My son was seventeen... These are just babies.  Sweet, innocent children and loving teachers and staff with devastated parents and families now - dealing with this tragedy just before Christmas.

I asked God to help.  What I received was a visit from many, many angels, all of them male, right in my bedroom.  I saw the profile of my son throwing a ball but he did not look or talk to me.  I think God just knew I needed to see him.  Even for a split second.  Chris was concentrating on a pitch.  Now I don't mean to say he was in a baseball game with a uniform on, he was not.  I saw him from the waist up at the foot of my bed and he was in his normal wear... A sweat stained tee shirt, dark in color.  I want to say it was his SUNY Cortland tee shirt that Kyle was wearing at the tree lighting tonight (don't you dare part with that Kyle!!!!). So Chris was in motion to throw the ball, not competitively but it seemed it was a team of friends messing around in their free time.  This was leisurely.  I'd like to think he was throwing to Deanna as that was her sport. I feel he was but I did not see who the throw was going to.  He was aiming it out my bedroom window into the backyard.

Chris was gone quickly and this small angel, a full grown man, small in stature, appeared.  He told me his name but I'm struggling to remember.  It started with a P. "Powac"' Parlac" "Pomic"????? It's not coming to me and I remember trying so hard to come up with a phrase to retain his name.  Like P for please, A for always, R for remember... But there was so much I wanted to ask that now I can't recall.  I hope he comes to see me again soon. He was kind to me, I wanted to know if I could talk to Chris but he wanted to show me other things.  I met other angels, regular adult size, men that were mildly quirky looking but not out of the ordinary of those you would meet on the street or in the mall.  They were chatty and silly and comforting and they would come and go.  I was told all is OK.  I felt it was too.  I feel better knowing Chris is happy playing ball.  I saw him doing it.  I asked about the children, the babes we lost yesterday and was assured they're safe.  I know how much my son loves kids and bet anything he was right there to hold and play with them.  He has a knack.

I want to share the finer details of what happened to me but I fear I can't articulate them well.  I can't paint it like I want to.  These angles were not floating thru the room nor were they see through.  They were people-like with regular builds and normal hair and fairly similar complexions, no different than us but they had a calming effect even though sometimes they moved in and out of my sight quickly.  Their entry to my room came as star bursts, like single fireworks.  I like fireworks.  I don't recall any noise, just the beam coming at me in my bed.  I know I was talking as it was happening, I was so happy they came.  I know my heart was racing and I was mildly anxious but what was there to fear?  I already went thru the nightmare, this could not possibly hurt me more.

I'll share more as I can remember, but for now please hear me - I did experience this.  My son is in a good place with everyone from Newtown.  I take comfort in that.

In memory of the 28 new angels.


  1. Beautiful words. Brings tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I believe!

  2. Oh Regina, please keep sharing. I'm on the edge of my seat wanting to hear more,feel more and know more that there is hope in all of this. I have a strong faith but doubt kicks in now and then. Now being the time. I need to hear this. Thank you for sharing your visitors with us.

  3. Regina,I too have a son Chris, and my heart break for you,thank you for sharing. I believe in angels, and I love your recall of seeing them last night. If you have not yet heard of Doreen Virtue, please Google her. She has many many books on Angels, as well as many sets of Oracle Cards.
    Everyday I pray for you and the families involved.
    Diane Welch

  4. Beautiful, what an amazing experience. Writing is therapeutic and an incredible outlet. Thanks are not enough to say to you for sharing these with all of us. Thank you. :)

  5. That was an awesome experience i love reading your blogs it truly helps me with things , like when my cousin was killed in a crash a year ago . I do my best to help my Aunt get through it and u are such a help to me. I so believe in angels , me and a close friend of my cousin Megan ( she is the one killed) were talking about her one day and then to break up the hurt we were feeling another friend said hey get together i will snap a picture , well she did take the picture and right over our heads was an orb . I so know it was my cousin Megan saying i am ok and i hear everything u are saying . I just wish i could have seen her again . Just hug her one more time , but ya know she is ok and now she is there wilh chris and those babies from conneticut. Please keep writing and stay strong u seem like an awesome person and u have a special angel watching over u. sincerly Laurie Bruce

  6. I enjoy your writing so much! Even though I don't know you or your family personally, I have wept many tears over this tragedy. I too lost my beloved husband in an accident two years ago leaving me a single mother of a 14 year old and suddenly alone with shattered dreams and a totally different life. I also wrote a list of things I wanted to remember about him, the littlest of things, quirky sayings, funny stories, little habits. And I reread it from time to time and I find it so comforting because as time passes, as hard as you try not to, you do forget the tiniest of things. And it's those tiny things that make them so unique. Perhaps some day, the pain and grief will be easier to handle, I can't say I am there yet but each day we try. My husband came to me once in a dream with a very clear message. I treasure it to this day. Prayers and love go out to you every day. Keep writing, it helps heal us all!

  7. Dear Regina
    I LOVE that you have chosen to share your 'heart' and the beautiful memories of your son, Chris, through this blog with all of us. It is so heartwarming and inspirational to read your beautifully written words everyday. I am sure your son has not let go of 'your' hand and never will ... because you were a gift to him 17 years ago, and now - a gift to all of us as well! I look forward to tomorrow....ox Linda

  8. I hope your blog is as catharitic for you as it is for those who are following your inimitable grace in the wake of unspeakable tragedy. I believe this is a universal life lesson for so many in the wake of your story even though it is every parent's worst nightmare. God chooses his angels on earth very deliberately and it was so obvious from the outset that you were meant for a higher calling. In time as your heart heals, I suspect you will help others who unfortunately are destined to follow in your footsteps.

  9. Dear Regina, my husband & I lived in Niskayuna 7 years ago & our daughter was only 4. We then moved back to Syracuse to be closer to our families (& added 2 more to our own!) upon hearing of this tragedy, we were both terribly saddened & our hearts go out to all of your families.
    I have followed Chris & Deanna's Facebook pages & believe your blog is amazing! As I read, tears come to my eyes & I think of your strength & faith that continues to see you through each day. Thank you for sharing your heart's most innermost thoughts & feelings and, I hope you know, that you continue to touch others, from ALL over, with your beautiful words! Peace & Love to you <3

  10. Beautiful post..thank you for sharing! I love reading your daily posts. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  11. Regina, yes I do believe you saw all of that and were talking. It has happened to me a few times over the years with my mom and I can remember talking in my sleep or actually crying out loud for help. Thank you for sharing such intimate details of your life and Chris' ! Strength and support will carry you through on your darkest days but for now take all of the good stuff and remember as much as you can.

  12. Regina,
    Reading your post reminds me of the beautiful song by Josh Gorban "To Where You Are". I hope it blesses you.

  13. Regina,
    I just wanted to let you know that I just finished reading all three of your blog posts. I will continue to read them. It must be soothing for you to be able to write down all of your feelings and also share them with everyone. You seem like a very strong woman for what you have gone through to A. Talk about it and B. Be so calm on TV, although I'm sure you tried to stay as strong as you could while on TV. I'm so glad he came to visit you too, if I was in your situation I would have liked that reasurrance of knowing he's still with me. I hope each and every day gets a little better for you. Keep hold of all those memories for they will make you smile when you're feeling down. I hope you keep sharing your thoughts and experiences with us. As I did not know any of you I did go to Shen and it was a very heartbreaking story for me. I cried along with everyone watching the vigil as my heart was breaking for these young kids. I also want to say that I feel so bad for Bailey and I'm happy to hear you're such wonderful people to keep her in your life everyday (not everyone would do that). I hope you all find some kind of peace to move forward and just remember he'll always be with you in spirit!!


  14. My dream is for no parent to have to feel your sorrow. In a month that should be filled with so much joy my heart is broken for these young people gone too soon. I have one little girl the same age as many of those kids in CT. I've been feeling her hands so that I know them. I'll ask her more often now hey can I have a hug and a kiss. I know this is going to probably be tougher to get once she's your son's age but for now its instant she doesn't mind me asking. My youngest daughter is 16 months. Now her hands are a little more difficult for daddy to get to know. Little miss independent doesn't like to be in one spot too long. Once in a while tho she'll grab onto my thumbs for a moment. Her skin so baby soft I often wish they'd stay this little forever. Your writings have been an inspiration and I've enjoyed learning more about Chris through them. I wish I could have gotten to meet him. They say for some its healing to talk about their loved ones and that seems to be the case for you. We are here to help you every step of the way in good days and tough days! One thing I think is for sure in the events of the last couple weeks is that good far outweighs evil in this world and that is shown in all the support that is here!

  15. Regina,
    I have enjoyed these blogs of yours. What a wonderful way to share your heart. I've wanted to comment sooner but have had issues using the web from my phone. Just want to say THANK YOU for giving of yourself so deeply by sharing such intimate thoughts and experiences...and also I LOVE the experience you had with Chris and the angels. These will occur when you're least expecting them, and sometimes you will be asleep and other times (like this) you will know you're awake. Might I suggest a book that I've really loved over the years, "Hello From Heaven" by Bill and Judy Guggenheim. If you can't find a copy, I'd be happy to give you mine. It's full of wonderful testaments just like yours and will hopefully bring you some more peace. I continue to pray for you, your family, and the other families every day, and I have no doubt those 20 precious children who we lost on Friday have quite the welcome committee in Heaven with your wonderful son stretching out his arms to comfort them. Much love to you. I think you're amazing.
    Jen Malatino

  16. Mr. Stewart, It's funny you meant Chris throwing a ball. I think one of my favorite memories of Chris will be on gamedays. After Mr. Stewart brought Chris Subway, or we all invaded Subway. A group of us would go in the field by the locker room and throw the ball around for a while. It became a sort of pregame tradition we had. -Mike Paul

  17. I was reading this blog post yesterday morning in my kitchen while my boys were eating their breakfast. They kept bickering and I had to stop reading and tell them to stop fighting and just eat. Then I paused and realized just how lucky I am to be able to say those words to my kids and then gave each of my sons a hug. Your blog makes me pause and reflect and treasure my children more. Thank you again for your inspiring words. Your visit from angels was truly touching. My friends and family tend to visit me in my dreams and I love when they do, it gives me comfort that they are looking over me.

  18. Fear not about tomorrow, for God is already there..

    My heart swells with joy that you have had this experience, take comfort in knowing that God called his angel Chris home to be there for those children, as He knew that your son would be needed.

    Our faith is strengthened by doubt, without doubt, we are merely puppets and our God does not want that for us, everything happens for a reason, most of us are not as fortunate to be given a glimpse of the why, this is where your comfort comes from.

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful story, you are an "earth angel", those people that are a source of strength and inspiration for others, I am glad that you have found this outlet to carry out your talents, thank you