Wednesday, December 19, 2012

I don't want to suffer in silence

 It's been challenging for me to go out in public these past couple of weeks which is not like me at all.  I typically don't have issues in that department.  In fact, I'm truly the type of person you might run into at the grocery store on the weekend totally free of makeup without even penciling in my eyebrows and not worrying about it.  It's not that I don't care about my looks but more that it’s the weekend, it’s my free time and I can wear my jeans, tee shirt and bare my clear skin and let it breathe.  I'll bet you there are a handful of people who can attest to that.  I seem to run into certain people in the store during my travels like an old co-worker Marianne.  She has two sons as well.  Just because I don't have makeup on doesn't mean I try to avoid her.  Does she really care? And if she did who would she tell, her husband???

I don't embarrass too easily, which I believe was one of Christopher's great characteristics.  I'll gladly take credit for that.  I tend to tattle on myself when I do goofy things and giggle about my silliness. He did that too.

I had one really special errand to do today that caused me angst and I was reluctant to do it.  I had to go to the jewelry store to replace the clasp on Christopher's necklace.  I was very afraid they were going to tell me I needed to leave the necklace there and pick it up some other day.  I was not OK with this.  This necklace was around Christopher's neck and the state troopers gave it to me along with the news that Chris had passed.  I just couldn't part with it for more than a few minutes.  My friend Mike was aware of my concern and staved off my anxiety by visiting the store before he took me there and alerted them of the situation.  I left with the clasp soldered and secured soon after.  I'm keeping it on forever.  I shall be turning from a gold to a silver lover.  Thank you Hoff Jewelers! Thank you Mike!

So why the title "I don't want to suffer in silence?"  Because every time I do venture out someone tells me they love my blog.  They like reading what I have to say.  I admit I'm still overwhelmed with things to do that I have not had the time to read most of your comments.  I promise I will read each and everyone but I'd rather keep typing right now.  I feel good doing it and from what I'm hearing you feel good reading it.  Whether you're a teen or an adult it appears there is something to be gleaned regardless of age.  I like that.

My pain is being shared.  You hold me up and I hold you up.  There are many of us who just don't understand and we seem to be looking to each other for support.  I'm good with that.  I can't answer the question nor can you.  But we don't need to suffer alone.  We can share the grief.

I saw a post today from my friend John that said "have you noticed when the storm is raging we run to God but I'll bet he'd love to hear from us when the sun's shining too".  I agree to some extent but I also think we're private people.  Many of us probably just keep our thoughts to ourselves - including our faith in God (unless we're at church).  It isn't that we don't pray or ask for help but when turbulence hits we tend to come together and support one another outwardly.  We panic in a way and reach out to one another for solace.  We don't understand.  On a day to day basis though, we quietly ask for guidance in our lives or plead to keep our composure and strength when we carry a burden or want to strike out.  We're all built similarly but handle situations differently.  Many of us don't think we're religious people.  I like to think of myself as spiritual. I'm no holy roller.  I don't think I've been to church on a regular Sunday in months.  It doesn't mean I don't believe in God or heaven, I simply find my place to reflect and pray somewhere else.  Could be in my car, might be in my room, at my desk at work, wherever.  I do think God hears me regardless of my location.  He's with me all the time.

So I don't want to grieve the loss of my son all by myself.  You let me put a bit of it on you and I help you with a bit of yours.  It's possible you only read my words so that they give you strength for your day.  I'm good with that.  Whatever works.  I try to spend as little time being down as I possibly can.  My kids don't need me there for more than a few moments.  Chris wouldn't want that and Jeremy doesn't need that.  It's okay to see me in despair but not to linger indefinitely.

At the jewelry shore I found myself at one point leaning on the display counter when it came to my attention I needed to stand up straight.  Be proud of why I was there and complete the task at hand.  I won't suffer silently at the loss of my child.  I'll be proactive in seeing something good come of it.  I got the clasp repaired and while I was at it, made plans with the owners to do something else inspirational for the future.  I can't share the details but suffice it to say that had I sent someone with my necklace I never would have found the good in the day to propel me toward tomorrow.  Good things are happening and I plan to be a part of it.


  1. Mrs. Stewart,
    I did not know your son nor do I know your family. I am a 20 year old college student at SUNY Albany from Long Island. I was completely saddened to hear of the tragedy involving your son. My cousin's son passed of brain cancer in 2009, he was only 10 years old. After that, I've had a different view on life. I hate to say it but it's only in times of horrific tragedy do we begin to see some good in people. I hope you know your words not only brought me to tears, but have moved me greatly. I just shared your link on my Facebook and I hope others will take the time to read this wonderful blog. I will continue to pray for you and your family. My nana lost my uncle 20 years ago, and though he was not still an adolescent, she always says there is no pain like losing a child. But she also seems to have a similar outlook as you, an outlook that things have changed and though there is fear facing it there is good in the kindness of a family member, friend, or even a stranger. May God bless you.

    Mara Backer

  2. Regina,
    You are a consistent source of amazement to me! Getting to know you through your blog however I am almost sure you would dispel the "amazement" part of my statement. I am so happy you have found your voice and comfort through your writings. What a wonderful, lasting tribute to your son and family. I am sure God hears you throughout your day and you are right we all work together to "hold" each other up. In our ever-changing stressful world we do need to all work together and through each other. I think you may be startled when the time comes when you realize just how impacted so many have been by your blog. Chris would be so proud of you and I am sure Jeremy is or will be when he follows your words. May God Bless you and keep you close.
    Donna Buono-Ryan

  3. Hi Regina,
    Thanks for letting us share this journey with you. I look forward to reading your blog and sharing your memories. Keep strong...

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  5. Hi Regina,

    I love how you write your blog deep into the night. I hope that you find quiet comfort in the stillness of that hour. I have now taken to reading your blog first thing in the morning. Each day I find a new, hidden message in your musings, but always wrapped up in the hope that they hold something deep and abiding for you in what will undoubtedly be your lifelong healing process. I have gotten to know Gina Peca through her blog and have embraced our connection as a new found treasure, a product of the unexpected twists and turns of female friendships in the digital age. If you don't already know one another, the two of you should definitely meet.

  6. Continue to read each day but don't always comment. Your words are moving. When I read I remember younger days with Chris Jeremy and my boy's. You will never suffer in silence. I continue to pray for you and your family and please know I am there for you.

  7. Reg,

    Always in my thoughts and prayers...

  8. Regina, I think it's so positive that you don't want to "suffer in silence". I also have said in the past, it takes a stronger person to reach out and ask for help or for guidance or just someone to listen, than it does to "suffer in silence".

    I love that you are talking about Jeremy more. I think he needs you to help him through his anger and I hope that in the days to come we hear more about how he is holding up, since we read with one of your first blogs about how he is dealing with so much anger and I often wonder how he is coping.

    I'm glad you got the cross fixed and people were so understanding of your need to have it. It's life's small gestures that mean the most.

    When my son had his spine injury, you can imagine the ongoing vigil of prayers that were going up... at the time I was an avid church goer, but things happened to push me from the church, but that hasn't changed my spirituality. I tell people all the time, I'm religious, but not a bible thumper! I won't force my beliefs on anyone, but will pray for those who need prayer. Even if not to sit and actively pray, God knows my intentions and I believe he listens.

    You will venture out into the public when the time is right, you will know when that is. It's all about baby steps and healing.

    Thinking of you and your family.

  9. Reg, You are so uplifting. Know that today, your words had a profound impact on me. More than anyone can know. From the bottom of my heart, Thank You. you remain in my thoughts and prayers.

  10. You were right in your last post. You ARE truly special.
    Thank you again and again for giving me strength.
    We will ALWAYS be here to listen.

  11. Dear Gina,
    I'll have to start by apologizing for my replies the last two days not getting to your blog. I'm not really sure where they went....but I'd like to think they went to the angels who might just deliver them to you on another visit. Your writings continue to amze and overwhelm me, as do the replies from your readers. Your blog has created another family, and you know the strength a family has. Thank You for sharing your feelings and Chritophers necklace with us. It's beautiful and so special just like you are. I Love You, and will always be here for you. Eddie

  12. Mrs Stewart, you ar such a strong mommy I find such comfort in your words. I read each blog you write the strength you have is amazing. Not a day goes by that I don't think of your family. <3

  13. Good for you--so happy everything worked out at the jewelry store : )

  14. you keep writting and we'll keep praying ((((((((((((( HUGGGGGGGGS ))))))))))))))00

  15. I love reading your words every day. You have a beautiful way with words, and through them I gain strength and courage. Thank you for that.

  16. I love reading what you have to say!!! I hope you keep doing so and posting pictures of your son Christopher. I wish I got a chance to meet him but with all the blogs you have posted it makes me feel like I have known you and your family forever!

    Please don't stop writing, it brings some positive in me that I thought no longer existed. I just want to say Thank you for reminding me that their is still some positive and good people in this world!!