Christmas was a very tough day. I wasn't sure what would happen or how I might get thru it. It seemed extra-long. I had no expectations of handling my emotions other than to be cognizant of being sure I could regroup and get back on track to stay strong. I had my rough patches, especially early, but I ended the evening solidly which I am thankful for. Family is the best!
So many people sent posts, texts and e-mails and placed calls to me. I didn't get back to most of you but I did hear you and I appreciate the love. It carries me. We toasted Chris at dinner and that was very special. I hope you did too. I wish so much that he was at the table physically but I do know he was in the room. I feel as though he goes everywhere with me. I believe he does. I wish I could see things from where he is. I'd like to think he's standing next to me, poking me, saying "Helloooo? Mom, I'm right here! Why the heck can't you see me?" Read it like he would say it... in that snide sort of teenage way, not yelling it. They tend to make fun of us for not being with it :-). You can probably relate, or if you're a teen I'm sure you do it often and get a kick out of it. Note that we love it; you make us feel loved with your antics.
It's been twenty four days without my boy now but some really great things have happened. I've become closer to Bailey and Christopher's friends. Who would have thought my doorbell would ring and I'd hang out chatting with them? They came to see me? Of course I know them but most times they didn't linger with me. They're usually on their way someplace or headed upstairs to play Xbox or watch Netflix. I've had conversations about college choices, heard stories about Chris that I otherwise wouldn't, they tell me they're reading my blog (!!!) and we've stepped into a whole new world together. We've all grown up more these past few weeks. I wish they hadn't had to but I'm glad to know them deeper. I'm so proud of them all! Such great (dare I call them) kids :-)
I sat quietly in Christopher's room very early on Christmas- way before the sun came up. Among the multitude of things I said I prayed to him and to God and to all my deceased family to give me the strength, courage, energy and focus to enjoy the day. I asked them for their arsenal of goodness. It was a slow go but they came thru.
I hope you had a good day too. I hope you have an arsenal of goodness to grasp onto when it gets rocky for you. I've heard from some of you about your own life crises when you reply to my blog and I'm aware that holidays are especially difficult for many. This was my toughest one. January 9th will be too, that's Christopher's 18th birthday. If you struggled on Christmas I'm sorry for that, it flat out sucks. You made it thru though, just like me.
I have a lot more to share in upcoming days. I've been jotting notes so I don't forget. I appreciate that you take a bit of time thinking about me, my family and the situation. It means so much. I can't help but say thank you, I appreciate it and although I may not know you, you keep me strong.
Thank you for reading.