I'm starting my Christmas morning in a very different way. Not the way I had planned nor the way I would like. Not that I don't like you - please understand - and I’m glad you’re here keeping me company so I don’t feel alone by replying to my blog but I want to start it the way I used to in Christmases past. Grabbing my video camera and taping the boys as they come down the stairs to a sea of presents. I want to sit on the floor doling out gifts one at a time to each of my sons, sipping a cup of coffee as I scrunch up wrapping paper and stuff it into a huge garbage bag. I want my legs to fall asleep from sitting on them too long till they get pins and needles. I'm going to have to dig out all my old VHS tapes to relive those moments. Thank God for videos.
Today quite possibly, you and I are starting our Christmas Day together. That's nice. It's different for both of us. Merry Christmas, sincerely. Maybe you'll get to me later though, because it is a busy day and there's a lot to do. I know. I remember. It's OK. I used to stay put on this day and make a huge spread of food for whoever stopped by.
Not this year. This year I'm going out. I'm going to Bailey's house to spend it with them, just like I know Chris would have. He loved it there.
At our house I know we would have adjusted our schedule with family to accommodate everyone. I would have wanted to see Bailey and the Wind's would have wanted to see Chris. Maybe the Wind's would have come up for dinner? I will never know. But one thing is for sure, we will all be thinking of Chris and he will be right there with us.
I've been wondering why this is happening to me. Why did God choose my son? Why do I get to carry this? Why did it happen in December, on my brother Joe's birthday no less? How many years will I be alive to remember it? Probably forty or more if I follow in my mom’s footsteps. She's eighty six and doing great. God must know I can do it. He has a lot of trust in me. I won't let him down. I'll find a way to see the good. I have already - but I know there's more. Now I need long term projects and things that inspire me. I have some ideas...
I don't feel extraordinary, I feel regular, like everyone else. But God embodied me with something special on December 1st when he brought Chris home. He gave me some kind of coping skills, some new ability to be strong. I know this. Maybe he gave me Chris's strength. He was a weightlifter and a lineman.
Seems I've been placed on the front line now. I hurt desperately at times but thankfully I am able to get thru it. How can we have faith if we don't keep trying? If we don't keep swinging and punching our way forward then we're giving up. That's unacceptable. I pray I'll always be able to get past the painful moments and not linger there too long. God hasn't left me wallowing. I'm certain there are many more wonderful opportunities that will open to me and I'm sure if I keep my eyes open I'll see them. You will too.
I know many of you have heard about the twenty six random acts of kindness - that we should do something kind in honor of the students and staff lost in Newtown, CT. I ask you to do twenty eight. Add Chris and Deanna if you would. And if you want to do more than do so... In fact just keep doing it. That would be wonderful! I only got to my first random act the other day - paying for the guy behind me at the drive thru at McDonald's. It wasn't even my idea but my friend’s suggestion who was in the car with me. It felt good just the same. I'll continue.
I hope you have a wonderful day with your family and friends. Please take time to pay attention and enjoy the moments. Don't sweat the mess all over living room floor. If by chance you're reading this early would you please toast Christopher out loud at dinner tonight? If you're getting to this later I ask that you just pause a sec and let Chris know you're thinking of him. That would make me feel good. Merry Christmas :-)
God bless and thank you for reading I appreciate it.