My first new experience with Chris

My first, new experience with Chris,

I was having a conversation with a high school classmate several days ago, maybe three days after my son Chris passed away.  I asked her if she knew what her daughters hands felt like.  She said "I know what they look like" to which I said "No... Do you KNOW what they FEEL like?"  I was trying to find out if she could physically feel them with her mind... Does that make any sense?

See, I was blessed to have had several seasons of football to hold my sons hands.  Chris played on the line and was constantly getting his fingers stepped on in a pileup or they'd get jammed from another player ramming into him.  It could have been any number of things that caused his hands to swell, sprain, ache, etc.  he also went thru a period of time when he had warts near his nail beds and we would take trips to the dermatologist for treatments to help them fade.  The doctor would scrape down the wart till it began to bleed and apply an acid that would turn the warts black.  For a while his hands looked pretty gross but that's just the way it was.

Well, I had many many chances to hold Chris' hands.  I called them sausages and said he could never be a doctor because they weren't nimble enough to hold those tiny medical tools.  I told him we'd have Jeremy be the doctor in the house.  His hands were more appropriately sized for eating finger foods.

Can you feel your kids hands in your mind? And if you don't have kids can you feel your spouses or your parents? Do you know the texture? Do you know any special little bump or swollen spot? Any scar tissue or the smoothness of the fingernails?  How about the thickness and length of the fingers and palm?  If you covered your hand over theirs and slid your hand down the top do you KNOW without a doubt whose hand you're touching?

I do.  Thank God.

I know Christopher's smooth areas ( there weren't any except between the webs of his fingers) and I know the dry spots (most all of his hand).  I know what his warts felt like when I would apply medication, the thickness of his thumb and the meaty part near his wrist, the length and feel of his fingernails (he bit them like I do) and I know what his palm felt like.  That too was dry and sometimes had tiny bits that would catch on my hand because they were going to flake off soon.

I got to spend time holding both his hands sometimes too.  If he was swollen from a recent football game and I wanted to measure how the swelling was coming along I would close my eyes, hold both of his hands and manipulate my fingers around the swelling so I could compare it to the hand that wasn't hurt.  For some reason I find I can more clearly concentrate with my eyes shut.  If I was looking at his hands it seemed there was too much going on for my brain to assess things. Sensory overload I guess using my sight and touch.

So - I am so happy I know my sons hands.  Not only to see but to feel in my mind and heart now.

What spurred the conversation with my friend, who by the way is also named Chris?  I'm happy to tell you why.  Because the night before I had that conversation with her, I guess two days after his passing, my son came to me in the night, during the briefest moments of sleep I got, and he held my hand.  I got to put mine on top of his and I knew he was there.  It was as real a hand hold as if he was in front of me this second.  I can't wait for him to come see me again.

I hope that as you read this you were able to say you too KNOW what your child or spouses or parents hands feel like in your mind.  If not, maybe you can work on it?

Now that brings me to my next bit... You see, I have two sons.  One I had the luxury of living with because he was in high school but my older son is a junior in college and doesn't live nearby most of the year.  Jeremy doesn't play a physical sport where I need to hold his hands much to help them heal.  Jeremy is a runner.  Most any of his ailments center around the feet and I'm typically not near those a lot.  Feet are covered, hands are not.

Like my friend Chris, I KNOW what Jeremy's hands look like.  I think I know what they feel like but I can't describe down to pinpoint precision all the nooks and crannies ...  the webbing on his hands, any calluses, etc.  Jeremy's hands are gentle, slender and softer. He doesn't bite his nails beyond tugging at a hang nail or a bit of dry skin by his nail bed.  I tried to hold them more this week during the wake and funeral so I can KNOW them better.  I want to feel them in my mind.  I made progress this week and for that I'm happy.  I didn't hold them as much as I would have liked but I'm OK with that.  Jeremy would object.  He doesn't go back to college until January sometime so I have some time to KNOW them better.  I'm looking forward to that.  Maybe if he reads this he'll hand them over and not make me work so hard at locking them into my mind and heart?  I'm not going to ask but I'm going to hope.

If you're unfamiliar with the story of what happened to my son on December 1st here's a link to get you started.  http://www.timesunion.com/local/article/Shen-students-mourned-4085743.php  I'd prefer not to dwell on that here but believe me all you need to do is search and you will find more information than you probably care to know and it will be a very long time to conclude.  You may be my friend thru the whole process, I would really appreciate that.  My objective thru this blog is to probably selfish - I just want to talk about my kids, my family, my friends, my experiences.  I have a ton to say.  It makes me feel good to get it out.  I'm proud of my boys and it makes me excited to share what comes to mind.  I know it will be therapeutic but it also excites me because I have something to look forward to.  I have a new purpose!