Christmas was a very tough day.
I wasn't sure what would happen or how I might get thru it. It
seemed extra-long. I had no expectations of handling my emotions other
than to be cognizant of being sure I could regroup and get back on track to
stay strong. I had my rough patches, especially early, but I ended
the evening solidly which I am thankful for. Family is the best!
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So many people sent posts, texts and
e-mails and placed calls to me. I didn't get back to most of you but I
did hear you and I appreciate the love. It carries me. We toasted
Chris at dinner and that was very special. I hope you did too. I
wish so much that he was at the table physically but I do know he was in the
room. I feel as though he goes everywhere with me. I believe he
does. I wish I could see things from where he is. I'd
like to think he's standing next to me, poking me, saying "Helloooo? Mom,
I'm right here! Why the heck can't you see me?" Read it like he
would say it... in that snide sort of teenage way, not yelling it. They
tend to make fun of us for not being with it :-). You can probably relate, or
if you're a teen I'm sure you do it often and get a kick out of it. Note
that we love it; you make us feel loved with your antics.
It's been twenty four days without
my boy now but some really great things have happened. I've become closer
to Bailey and Christopher's friends. Who would have thought my doorbell
would ring and I'd hang out chatting with them? They came to see me?
Of course I know them but most times they didn't linger with me.
They're usually on their way someplace or headed upstairs to play Xbox or
watch Netflix. I've had conversations about college choices, heard stories
about Chris that I otherwise wouldn't, they tell me they're reading my blog
(!!!) and we've stepped into a whole new world together. We've all grown
up more these past few weeks. I wish they hadn't had to but I'm glad to
know them deeper. I'm so proud of them all! Such great (dare I call
them) kids :-)
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I sat quietly in Christopher's room
very early on Christmas- way before the sun came up. Among the multitude
of things I said I prayed to him and to God and to all my deceased
family to give me the strength, courage, energy and focus to enjoy the
day. I asked them for their arsenal of goodness. It was a slow go but
they came thru.
I hope you had a good day too.
I hope you have an arsenal of goodness to grasp onto when
it gets rocky for you. I've heard from some of you about your own
life crises when you reply to my blog and I'm aware that holidays are
especially difficult for many. This was my toughest one. January
9th will be too, that's Christopher's 18th birthday. If you struggled on
Christmas I'm sorry for that, it flat out sucks. You made it thru
though, just like me.
I have a lot more to share in
upcoming days. I've been jotting notes so I don't forget. I
appreciate that you take a bit of time thinking about me, my family and the
situation. It means so much. I can't help but say thank you, I appreciate
it and although I may not know you, you keep me strong.
Thank you for reading.
Good morning. I will remember Chris on his birthday as it is the day after my little man's. He is 3 and I couldn't imagine losing his or his so to be 6 year old sister. I lost a cousin at age 17 she was like a sister to me. I still remember her 18th birthday because it was 5 months to the day after her death. She passed away in 1986 but it is like yesterday when I read or hear stories like Chris , Deanna, Bailey and Matt.
ReplyDeleteMay your heart heal in time. God bless you and your family. Good thoughts in the upcoming New Year.
I am glad the love of family, friends and those of who've "got your back" helped you a bit yesterday. I pray each day you find a little more peace and happiness in your life as you find your "new normal".
ReplyDeleteRegina, We should be thanking you ! You have shown us what strength means. Wishing you a peaceful day. Always in my thoughts and prayers, right there for my family.
ReplyDeleteRegina,
ReplyDeleteI am so happy that you were able to get through your first Christmas without your beloved Chris' physical presence. I am sure he was with you and your family and although I did not know him I feel that he was probably trying to "squeeze" in some place around your Christmas table. You are fortunate that God has given you the ability to grieve in such a special way. Instead of "locking" Chris and his memories away you are sharing Chris and his awesomeness with all of us and I believe I along with many others will never forget Chris. Your faith astonishes me and I am not sure you are aware but the Pope has asked all Catholics to renew their faith and has named this year the Year of Faith. I have a feeling you are getting a lot of special help in the faith department. May God Bless You Always!
We said a prayer at grace last night for Chris, your family, Bailey, the Winds', Deanna, the Rivers', Matt, and the Hardy's. We may not know you, but we understand. Chris never leaves you, just as my beloved friends and family never leave me. God bless you, Mrs. Stewart. God bless your family.
ReplyDeleteI am reading your blogs everyday and with each and every one of them I am truly inspired by each and every word. I wake up every morning and look forward to what you have to say. This may sound crazy but reading your post in the morning before I venture on to work, it inspires me and I reflect on how I felt yesterday and how I can progress and make today a better day. I feel god gives us a new day that is a precious gift, a gift too often taken for granted. It is a fresh start, a blank canvas to fill with colors. When I had heard about this awful tragedy my heart immediately hurt. I can't imagine the pain you and your family are going through. One thing I do know you are an amazingly strong person and I look up to you in so many ways. As I have read in so many many of your blogs how people you don't even know have reached out to you and that inspires you and has certainly changed you. After all, you are now a "hugger"! Just know this, that is exactly what you have done for me. Friends, family, strangers have all come together and have been touched by this. May god bless you and your family and I will continue to read everyday for as long as you continue to write. I hope you continue to write, I am eager to read more of your memories, stories and your thoughts each and everyday. As I read, I smile, I stop and reflect for a moment on my life and I will admit it, I cry at times. I KNOW that you're special and you have made me feel special by the words of this blog. Again, God Bless You Always!
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how much strength it must have taken to get thru the day, but pat yourself on the back - YOU DID IT! Undoubtedly with lots of help from the other side. I said good morning to Chris when I was making my coffee yesterday, & wished him a Merry Christmas and asked him to let you know he was was with you. My hair immediately stood up on my arms so I hope that means he heard me. :) I also toasted him when I got home from my family's dinner (which I was glad to do because I myself really needed a glass of wine after the day LOL) and to Deanna as well. I hope her Mom is finding strength like you are and I will continue to keep your families in my prayers. Hugs to you. Tonight let's have a virtual toast that Christmas is over. ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks again for sharing your thoughts and struggles with us. We are all provided the opportunity to learn from your writings, not only how to survive such a tragic loss, but also ways to enrich our lives with our own children.
ReplyDeletePer your wish.... we toasted Chris last night at the dinner table.... 6:30 pm - during dessert - many of us who are strong in faith and knew that Chris was with you, and also feeling our energy and love. Keep up the writing please....
ReplyDeleteBecause of the unimaginable loss of your son, you have become such an inspiration to all who follow your blog. Your writing is exquisite, filled with raw pain, but also hope. I have gone through first Christmas after the death of my husband, and yesterday, honoring my mother who passed in July. Christmas and birthdays will always bring out the pain of loss, but also the shared happy moments. Treasure your memories and keep taking baby steps as you move into this new reality. My love and prayers flow to you.
ReplyDeleteI think you are truly amazing. I was talking about you at work today on how you
ReplyDeleteturn everything in to a positive. You are inspiring to me. I said to my friends I would love to meet her and give her a big hug because your words inspire me every day..my best friend lost her son from mohonasen a few years ago from mrsa it was all over the news as well another phenomenal kid taken too soon..also into sports i watch her struggle every day she will never be the same but I envy her strength..as I do yours.. I talk about you and how strong you are and she says I don't know how she does it. I wish the two of you could talk so you could inspire her with strength.. although I think she's strong she is so broken inside and will never be the same.. I just feel awful for your loss truly. I will continue reading your blogs as I look forward to your positive thoughts and words and you will forever be in prayers.. thank you for listening ..
I read your post every day... PLease keep writing.....It hit me kind of hard when I saw that Jan. 9th is Chris birthday. My son is having open heart surgery that day so I hope Chris will watch over him. You truly inspire me with your strength.....keep writing is all I can say...=-)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you made it through the day. I am looking forward to reading your upcoming blogs.
ReplyDeleteDear Mrs. Stewart - I've been reading our blog for the last week now, religiously. I'm 28 years old and a Shen grad. my little sister, Allie graduated in 2012 and when I heard the news I have to say I had an instant connection to this tragic and horrifying accident. I too have been seeing signs, the number 69 everywhere - 69% on my cell phone, order #69 at 5guys, and even having to switch my wedding date from June 8th in New Jersey to June 9th - 6.9 - in New York. I feel connected to the situation even more now that I've seen these "instances" in my own life. I wanted to let you know for one and only reason and to help you find peace in knowing other people believe too. I also wanted to thank you for sharing such amazing stories about your son, and helping people like myself and my family TRULY to enjoy eachother, hug a little tighter, a little longer, especially around the holidays. we have prayed as a family and I have prayed in private and even talked to your son, someone I have never met but feel like I now have a connection to somehow. I pray for peace and serenity for you and all the families affected by this untimely tragedy.
ReplyDeleteRegina,
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog and crying... I know all of these feelings to well. I lost my son Luke Anthony Brown Jr. 11/20/2010. I absolutely despise the fact that other parents have to experience the pain of losing their child. I am glad that you are able to use the blog to express your feelings and also in such a positive way. I pray for you and your family. My Christmas was very hard this year. I was hoping it would get easier. My sons birthday is Christmas day so I try to do things in his memory but this year I could not even get out of bed. Please feel free to message me any time.. Love, Another Angel Mommy Teri Slaughter
My youngest son turns 10 on January 9th. (My oldest son will turn 17 on the 18th and middle son will be 14 on the 27th, all in January)
ReplyDeleteI only hope I would have your strength to move on in a positive way if anything were to happen to any of my three boys.
We have had some tragedies this year in my family but losing a child has to be the worst thing anyone to ever experience. I don't think anyone can ever know how they would cope I just pray for strength and positivity for all parents that have lost a child. I can imagine it could be emotionally crippling.
My relationship with my 16 year old has been a struggle but this passed summer he was four wheeling with a friend of his girlfriends family and she lost control of her ATV. My son watched her fly over an embankment and flip onto rocks. He had to lift the ATV off of her body and ride three miles to camp to get help. He proceeded back to stay at the scene Until authorities arrived. There was no help needed. This young mother of four died on impact. I tell this story because my sons and my relationship changed for the better on this day.
Now I read about the closeness you had with your son and I need to strive for that. With all three of my sons.
I wish you all of the strength needed to move on with your life in a positive way. Thank you for sharing your memories of your life with your two sons. It will make a difference in many peoples livesin many different ways .