I don't want to suffer in silence

 It's been challenging for me to go out in public these past couple of weeks which is not like me at all.  I typically don't have issues in that department.  In fact, I'm truly the type of person you might run into at the grocery store on the weekend totally free of makeup without even penciling in my eyebrows and not worrying about it.  It's not that I don't care about my looks but more that it’s the weekend, it’s my free time and I can wear my jeans, tee shirt and bare my clear skin and let it breathe.  I'll bet you there are a handful of people who can attest to that.  I seem to run into certain people in the store during my travels like an old co-worker Marianne.  She has two sons as well.  Just because I don't have makeup on doesn't mean I try to avoid her.  Does she really care? And if she did who would she tell, her husband???

I don't embarrass too easily, which I believe was one of Christopher's great characteristics.  I'll gladly take credit for that.  I tend to tattle on myself when I do goofy things and giggle about my silliness. He did that too.

I had one really special errand to do today that caused me angst and I was reluctant to do it.  I had to go to the jewelry store to replace the clasp on Christopher's necklace.  I was very afraid they were going to tell me I needed to leave the necklace there and pick it up some other day.  I was not OK with this.  This necklace was around Christopher's neck and the state troopers gave it to me along with the news that Chris had passed.  I just couldn't part with it for more than a few minutes.  My friend Mike was aware of my concern and staved off my anxiety by visiting the store before he took me there and alerted them of the situation.  I left with the clasp soldered and secured soon after.  I'm keeping it on forever.  I shall be turning from a gold to a silver lover.  Thank you Hoff Jewelers! Thank you Mike!

So why the title "I don't want to suffer in silence?"  Because every time I do venture out someone tells me they love my blog.  They like reading what I have to say.  I admit I'm still overwhelmed with things to do that I have not had the time to read most of your comments.  I promise I will read each and everyone but I'd rather keep typing right now.  I feel good doing it and from what I'm hearing you feel good reading it.  Whether you're a teen or an adult it appears there is something to be gleaned regardless of age.  I like that.

My pain is being shared.  You hold me up and I hold you up.  There are many of us who just don't understand and we seem to be looking to each other for support.  I'm good with that.  I can't answer the question nor can you.  But we don't need to suffer alone.  We can share the grief.

I saw a post today from my friend John that said "have you noticed when the storm is raging we run to God but I'll bet he'd love to hear from us when the sun's shining too".  I agree to some extent but I also think we're private people.  Many of us probably just keep our thoughts to ourselves - including our faith in God (unless we're at church).  It isn't that we don't pray or ask for help but when turbulence hits we tend to come together and support one another outwardly.  We panic in a way and reach out to one another for solace.  We don't understand.  On a day to day basis though, we quietly ask for guidance in our lives or plead to keep our composure and strength when we carry a burden or want to strike out.  We're all built similarly but handle situations differently.  Many of us don't think we're religious people.  I like to think of myself as spiritual. I'm no holy roller.  I don't think I've been to church on a regular Sunday in months.  It doesn't mean I don't believe in God or heaven, I simply find my place to reflect and pray somewhere else.  Could be in my car, might be in my room, at my desk at work, wherever.  I do think God hears me regardless of my location.  He's with me all the time.

So I don't want to grieve the loss of my son all by myself.  You let me put a bit of it on you and I help you with a bit of yours.  It's possible you only read my words so that they give you strength for your day.  I'm good with that.  Whatever works.  I try to spend as little time being down as I possibly can.  My kids don't need me there for more than a few moments.  Chris wouldn't want that and Jeremy doesn't need that.  It's okay to see me in despair but not to linger indefinitely.

At the jewelry shore I found myself at one point leaning on the display counter when it came to my attention I needed to stand up straight.  Be proud of why I was there and complete the task at hand.  I won't suffer silently at the loss of my child.  I'll be proactive in seeing something good come of it.  I got the clasp repaired and while I was at it, made plans with the owners to do something else inspirational for the future.  I can't share the details but suffice it to say that had I sent someone with my necklace I never would have found the good in the day to propel me toward tomorrow.  Good things are happening and I plan to be a part of it.