Compassion

I'm not big on winter.  I'm a three season kind of girl.  In order of preference my world would revolve from summer to spring to fall.

(image below was taken by my very talented brother Paul)  

I'd skip winter.  I'd be very good with that.  I participate in no winter sports and it seems I’m always freezing and my nose is dripping.  I constantly have a tissue in my hand or shoved up my sleeve. Have a chat with me sometime and you'll see, Kleenex is never far from my hand. 

(images below were also taken by my brother Paul)

Unfortunately I was born and raised in Albany and so I make no bones about blaming my mother for not moving south before she started her family. I've told her for years we've been in the wrong place, the wrong state, the completely wrong climate.  The poor woman just shrugged her shoulders at me... For years!  Still does.

Well, I was wrong, moms always know best! :-)  I'll have to tell her that.  If I lived somewhere else, I wouldn't be on the healing path I'm on with you.  My mom did just fine by staying put in Albany and placing so many of you in my life to meet and hug and share with personally.

Who would I rely on every day thru all this if not for this community?  You allow me time in your day to bend your ear and share whatever happens to run thru my mind.  You let me cry on your shoulder or share stories about my kids.  Would this happen anywhere else?  Not like this.  I don't think so anyway.  I mean, I could write but would anyone read?  We've come to know each other a little bit now.  I've never heard of anything like this happening before and the more I think about it it's not accidental.  Why are you reading and I'm writing? The only place I've ever written a sentence publicly in the past has been on my Facebook page and the only readers were my high school girlfriends.  I only started tweeting after Christopher passed.  What's the give and take we exchange and why is it that I'm the connector?  How did you find this page anyway?  And furthermore, I'm curious where you're reading this.  Are you even in the Capital Region?  I have no way of knowing how many are reading or from what state or country.  I have a lot of questions!  Ha hah.  I'm as curious as all of you.

I'm just spewing out my thoughts here because that's what's on my mind.  This world of blogging is brand new to me.  A friend set it up and told me to just start writing.  He gets the credit for us meeting.  It wasn't anything I gave thought to or even knew how to start. Thanks Mike! :-). I don't know how I'd be handling Christopher's death if I didn't have this blog and all of you.  I think about you every single day.  You post responses and tell me about your families and you have no idea how many times I check to see what you're saying.  I look forward to your stories because I care about your life and also because I get to spend time focusing on you and my "stuff" goes away for a while.

 

You know, at some point every day I feel like I'm hearing the news of the accident for the first time.  I have fleeting moments where I feel like I'm standing with my mouth gaping open saying "What? No way! That's impossible.  It can't be so!!"  It feels dreamlike until I give myself a reality check and realize I truly am wide awake and it's for real, the answer is yes. Tragically it did happen and my son is gone.

You know what else I think?  I think we are full of compassion.  We are a world of caring individuals.  Some are more outward about it than others.  I think I was one of the quiet ones, sort of standoffish and uninvolved with my time.  I would write a check and donate but I didn't spend time assisting.  It's not that I lack compassion; I simply remained in the background.  I wasn't a doer.  I was a lurker.  I'm getting better at seeing the need to help by jumping in.  I'm not sure why I've hesitated in the past but I do know I'm learning how compassionate people are and how much they genuinely care.  Not just about my situation but in all areas.  

Sometimes it appears the world is as cold as winter but that's just not true.  Sometimes people are afraid to get involved.  They already have more on their plates than they can handle and so they hesitate.  Getting involved and spending time when they already need more of it themselves is a heavy burden.  How do they juggle it?  It doesn't mean they're not compassionate.  I fit that mold. I'm really working on changing that now.  Yes, it took a tragedy to enlighten me but I noticed and now I can do better.

You've already shown me tremendous compassion by getting involved in my life and holding me up. My appreciation will be forever yours.  I ask you to continue please, it helps me so much.  I also ask that the next time something happens in your life, where you have the opportunity to outwardly show you care, that you step forward and get involved even if it means your schedule gets stretched even thinner.  I promise it will feel good.  Say hello when you pass someone in the parking lot.  Don't just put your head down and walk.  You be the connector like I'm learning to do too.  It's a small thing but an important one.  We live here together. 

Thank you for reading.