What helps me?

I know it only takes a matter of a few minutes to check in on me and then you can go about your day.  You may take something I said along with you or you may take some time to reply and share a thought.  Isn't it nice that we have this platform to share?  It's brand new to me that's for sure but, wow, do I appreciate it.  I believe it helps me through this tragedy.  It has brought us together and I believe it's helping you too.

I find myself talking about some of you in conversations.  I'll mention a name along with the person’s situation.  I know some of you have lost loved ones and others are suffering thru terrible times.  We share pain and it bonds us.  I don't want you to hurt and I wish I could dissolve it for you but the best I can do is be your friend and your sounding board.  We can muddle thru the trauma together and be united in our grief.  I know it's not a great "club" to be a member of but it's a real one and we are real people.

The pain of losing my precious son is not more significant than yours.  It just happens to be my particular issue.  Pain is pain – it’s a real, raw feeling and death pain is really brutal to work thru.  I've never experienced anything that has sidelined me to this degree.   Most of my past troubles eventually ended.  This one isn't going away and won't ever, but I have faith it will get easier as time progresses.  I'm glad we have each other, in whatever capacity we need one another, today and in the future.

A friend asked me today if I could put my finger on what it is that inspires me.  If I could pinpoint the reasons as to why I am able to see the loss of my son thru so publicly and with a pretty good outlook.  I had to stop and think about it.

One thing I know for certain, without wavering on it, is that Christopher would most definitely not want me sad.  Nothing would break his spirit more than knowing my personality had changed for the worse and I was perpetually blue.  He wouldn't want that.  Chris had such a zest for life it would crush him knowing I chose to live my life missing him and feeling the injustice.  That’s probably the main thing I dwell about my son on and it boots me in the rear and reminds me to get up and move forward.  It doesn't stop me from wishing things were different and grieving for him many times a day but thankfully it doesn't prohibit me from living.  I go to work full time and have resumed some normalcy in my life.  I can talk about him and laugh about him no problem.

I also think I'm fortunate to be a faithful person.  I do believe Chris is OK, even in my saddest moments when I ache so deeply I feel like I’m in a straightjacket and all alone.  I truly know better, even when I’m at my weakest.  In my heart I know God is good and there is a reason Chris was here and now he isn't.  He made an impression and it stuck.  I have faith I'll understand it all later.  As much as I miss Chris, I need to be thankful he was mine and that he touched so many hearts and still is.

God has given me a new road map.  Some sort of map at least.  He's letting me figure out how to navigate it although I’m hesitant.  My older son Jeremy is on his way to adulthood, he'll be twenty-one in February and has been on his own, for the most part since 2010 when he graduated high school.  He lives out of state at college most of the year, and rarely needs a place to stay - and it drives me crazy that he doesn't need me to cook for him or do his laundry - although I try!  I don't like that, but I'm glad he's so independent and mature.  It’s what God and I planned for him when he was a baby.  But right now?  I didn't plan to have flexibility in my life until at least 2015.  I thought Chris would need the stability of his home as he made the transition from high school to college... until at least his sophomore year so he could get used to his new life.  I kind of thought if I felt like moving south or east or wherever, I'd have that option then.  My plan was not to have the ability to go anywhere I wanted in 2013.  I'm not sure I really like this new map, it's too soon!  It's unexpected.  I will embrace it though.  God gave it to me and I won't let him down.

I want to share a great little "Christopherism" that happened today... I couldn't wait to tell you, it made me smile.

I went to Five Guys for lunch.  If you've ever been there you know that they give you a number and call it out when your meal is ready.  I got #97.  So, I'm waiting for my number... I hear 94, 95, 96, then 69! and then on to 97, 98, 99 and then 01 thru 11!!  You bet I listened to each number, numbers are important to me now!! 

Especially #69!!! All I could do was smile.  Yep, Chris was at Five Guys with me!!! Can you imagine??? I was beaming as I devoured that greasy brown paper bag of fries.  I couldn't have been any happier!!! My football player was with me, probably sneaking a bite of my burger each time I sat it down on the table.  I love you Chris :-). Keep me company anytime.

Thank you for reading.