Hey Chris,
It's been well over three months
since you passed and I've been wondering if you've gone thru something like an
orientation period in heaven.
I'm curious if there's a training
process for new souls? I
know you've shown me plenty of signs that you're nearby but I can only
hope that if you had been busy with a few months of "angel training",
you might become available more often now to come see us. We miss
you so much. My mind reels sometimes at the sheer wonder of what is
happening with you now that you've passed. If only I could know what
you're up to. The speculation causes my imagination to wander.
I'm sure you know I'm keeping an eye
on Bailey for you. We text and see each other when we can. She
checks up on me too. She still likes to lie in your bed with your stuff
all around her. I can't blame her there; I take comfort spending time in
your room too. You did have yourself a nice little man-cave. I'm
happy we made it comfortable for you and dad bought you that great big
Tempurpedic bed. Many of us hop on it
periodically and yank the soft brown suede comforter up to our ears. The
room smells like you. Polo cologne and Axe deodorant and football cleats
all mixed together. There's still an obvious funk in your room caused by
poor air circulation I know but I don't want to open the windows and lose your
fragrance. They'll stay shut for now.
Can you give us some more of your
time now if you finished training? The signs you send are loved and
appreciated but we're all looking for a grand moment - well I am anyway. I'd like you to speak out loud or show up in
the house and make your physical presence known. You must know it's what
I pray for quite often. I know in my heart you're OK because I have faith
in God and I know he loves you. He needed you which I can understand. I need you too though and I selfishly miss you
and would like you here more often. There's no sense in me not saying it
out loud because God already knows I'm thinking and praying for it.
I have a personal desire for
you to tell me you don't hurt or that you didn't hurt. I fear you were
looking for me and I wasn't able to get to you. You know I would have
taken the pain for you. I would and will do anything for you and Jeremy.
I'd have protected you had I been there Chris. I would have wrapped
my entire body around yours to keep you safe. Now I'll be there for you in a new way, in
many new ways. I can still protect you from earth while you protect me
from heaven. Seems we have to utilize our relationship in a new way now.
I'm still getting used to it.
I know I have you to thank for
bringing me closer to Bailey, your coach and the circle of friends in your
life. I'm building relationships daily in new ways. The arm’s
length hellos and distant waves have turned into hugs and conversations over
dinner. They have substance and meaning. We talk about family life
and raising kids and past experiences beyond small talk chit chat. You
have caused a shift in our thinking and we share quality time together.
You get the credit for that. You're not even here and you're making
things happen. Keep that up Chris. Teach us to be the one to step
up and lend a hand rather than watch and wait for the next guy to do it.
Help us be "the next guy".
Don't let up on us Chris. Stay
in the forefront of our hearts and minds so we continue on happily. Push
us like you pushed your teammates on the field. Remember your motto
"Refuse to Lose!" Give us that extra little shove when we
feel our knees buckling. Help us stand up taller and pull our
shoulders back and tighten our abs so we remain strong for the duration of our
lives. Remind us that we haven't reached our “100%” yet and that we can't
give up on our life challenges. We need inspiration from a leader like
you, even when you're not here in person. I can only imagine how much
stronger you are after three months of God directed training.
Keep up the good work Chris, you
make us proud. The way you rub off on us
is profound. We seem to glom on to your charm and gentle demeanor in our
daily view of things yet we also try emulating the ferociousness with which you
loved life so we make each day our best.
A mighty combination from a seventeen year old who hasn't met most of
the people affected. That's pretty special! But then again, you
must know everyone by now because you've been watching from afar. We love
you Squirt!
Thank you for reading.
I love reading your blog, it has become a part of my daily ritual. I am in awe of your strength and wisdom. You and your son have touched so many lives. Not a day goes by without thinking of you and Chris. I find myself praying for healing for everyone involved in this tragedy. I often wish there was something I can do to help but until this morning after reading your beautiful message to your son, I couldn't think I had much to offer. There is a place right there in Clifton Park Watkins Plaza called Among Angels. Its a new center for holistic and spiritual healing. The facility is serene and the professionals that work there are truly amazing and are so dedicated to helping people. The website is Amongangels.com . My husband is a partner there and through the years I have seen allot of healing and closure come out of what these very gifted people do. I know that no one can take away your loss or the pain, but maybe this could be a place for Chris to reach out to you! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your stories, they make us really take a moment to pause and realize that we have to make the most of this life and truly embrace all that we have and who we are. You and your family are always in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteNicole,
DeleteI have to say when I read your name, I thought it was my daughter writing the post I was thinking wow we are following the same blog.. as I read your post I realized that it wouldn't be.. since she lives here in CT. then I noticed that you spell your last night a bit different.
Mrs. Stewart,
ReplyDeleteThis post I had to let sink in for a little bit.
I wonder what heaven is like. I wonder how many people are there and what the physical space feels like. I wonder what you get to bring there. Do you wear your favorite outfit for all of eternity? Do you get uniforms? I'd guess Chris would be perpetually wearing his SHEN uniform and grey sweats. I know what my nana would wear.
I wonder what you can hear in heaven. Is it blissfully quiet? Do you hear all of your loved ones thoughts forever? I wonder if you become a bit of a right-hand person to God and hear all the prayers. That could get a little overwhelming. Maybe that's what angel training is for.
I wonder what you feel when you're in heaven. Are there times when you're sad? Do the ones we lost miss us terribly too? I wonder if there's a sort of acceptance to being there. I wonder if you ever get stomach bugs and ear aches. Are there doctors in heaven?
Most of all, I wonder how it is that heaven is millions of miles away from us, but can be reached in sheer seconds. I wonder how it is that angels can fly so fast that they can make it down to us. I wonder WHERE heaven is. I want to know where it is that so many I love are situated now. I want to know they're okay. I want them to know I'm trying real hard.
Every once in a while, I can hear my Nana's lovely singing in my ear. She was a singer, you know. I can taste the soup that Sylvia and I used to eat together. She was the best chef. Sometimes, I even get a whiff of bad cleats and I know that maybe, possibly, Chris has decided to visit. (Most of the time, I thank him, but tell him to leave. He has more important people to be with. When you're in heaven, can you be in more than one place at once?) I'd like to believe that when I hear my Nana singing, I'm hearing her whisper in my ear that it's okay; that she's never far. When I taste the soup, I know that Sylvia is trying to comfort me.
I wish, I wish, I wish, for your sake, for mine, for everybody's... I wish that heaven wasn't so far. I wish it had visiting hours. Then, losing the ones we loved wouldn't be so hard. I'd finish my homework, then go spend the rest of my day there. Sometimes, I wonder. Most of the time, I just don't understand.
Hannah- I'm copying a portion of my response to Mrs. Stewart for you here. I'm hoping you will see this. I understand what it is like to be a teenager and ask all of these questions. I was 15 when I lost my Nanny and some aunts and uncles in a crash, and then 18 when I witnessed another. I hope that what you read below will bring you some comfort too. Heaven is not so far away. It is right there in your heart, and there is no need for visiting hours because the doors are always open. Just quiet your mind. Peace to you too, Sweetie. -Anne
Delete"I want to share with you something I experienced, and I'll try to keep the details minimal. When I was 18, I witnessed a crash in Schuylerville. A 19 year old boy was ejected from the back seat and landed on the double yellow line. It was a horrific scene, but I will leave the rest out. What was amazing was what I saw around this boy Brian. He was bathed in white light. I saw it all around him, hovering over him. And then I saw it rise and dissipate into the air. It sounds bonkers, but I swear I saw it. And I believe I saw his soul leave his body and rise to heaven. As awful as than night was, it was a great thing to see. It was a sign to me- the Lord was there and he was caring for this boy.
I believe there must have been some great white light around Chris, Deanna, Matt and Bailey. I wonder if any of the witnesses that night saw it. For Christmas this year, I sang a song in a concert with some amazing lyrics that express what I saw back in '92, and what I believe was a part of the scene on Dec. 1st. The lyrics are: "He shall feed his flock, like a shepherd, and he shall hold him in his arms. In his arms he'll hold them, close to his heart." I just love that- in his arms he'll hold them. I know he held them that night. I know he holds Chris right now. I can't answer any of your questions, but this is one thing I know."
Anne how wonderful and profound that you got to experience this amazing event. I have heard other peoples stories of seeing the soul leave the body.
DeleteRegina - I do have the same questions and wonders that you do. Everyday I wish there was a 1-800 number that you and all who have lost a loved one could dial! I don't have any answers to your questions but leave you with virtual love and hugs.
Anne,
DeleteThis is amazing. It fills me with such hope. Thank you so much. I agree... the witnesses must have seen the light all around them.
God is good and I'm sure his arms are mighty big... he has many to hold.
Beautiful. xoxo
ReplyDeleteGood morning Mrs Stewart. ..Thank you for your beautiful words on your daily blog..Truly, truly inspirational. The 518 community continues to share this unfortunate journey. Somehow, prrhaps, our unified grief is a bit easier to struggle through.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful :'(
ReplyDeleteRegina,
ReplyDeleteJeremy and Christopher are very blessed to have a mom like you who loves them so much! Hang in there, :'( you are in my thoughts and prayers...What a beautiful note to your son...
God Bless, XO
Good Morning Regina,
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautifully written , heartfelt letter to your beloved son Christopher. May God protect your family and answer your prayers. Your words once again moved me to tears and at the same time warmed my heart and gave me hope and encouraged me to be a better person. Stand up tall!
May God Bless You!
What a beautiful letter. I have no idea what kind of consciousness a soul maintains in heaven, but I do believe that Chris is still very much connected to you, and everyone, in some way. Chris is pushing us, the way he pushed his team. The extended 518 is the new team and his incredible personality has left an indelible mark on us all without even knowing him.
ReplyDeleteI want to share with you something I experienced, and I'll try to keep the details minimal. When I was 18, I witnessed a crash in Schuylerville. A 19 year old boy was ejected from the back seat and landed on the double yellow line. It was a horrific scene, but I will leave the rest out. What was amazing was what I saw around this boy Brian. He was bathed in white light. I saw it all around him, hovering over him. And then I saw it rise and dissipate into the air. It sounds bonkers, but I swear I saw it. And I believe I saw his soul leave his body and rise to heaven. As awful as than night was, it was a great thing to see. It was a sign to me- the Lord was there and he was caring for this boy.
I believe there must have been some great white light around Chris, Deanna, Matt and Bailey. I wonder if any of the witnesses that night saw it. For Christmas this year, I sang a song in a concert with some amazing lyrics that express what I saw back in '92, and what I believe was a part of the scene on Dec. 1st. (I messaged you a link on FB back on Christmas Eve if you are interested in hearing the music) The lyrics are: "He shall feed his flock, like a shepherd, and he shall hold him in his arms. In his arms he'll hold them, close to his heart." I just love that- in his arms he'll hold them. I know he held them that night. I know he holds Chris right now. I can't answer any of your questions, but this is one thing I know.
I hope that sharing this with you makes you smile, and I apologize ahead of time if it doesn't. I NEVER want to add to your burden with sad stories, but for me there is glory in these moments and they comfort my heart. There is glory in all of the signs you receive from Chris. Your heart is open, and so he will continue to send them to you. And I doubt that Chris needed much training in the angel department. He was so loved by everyone he met, it seems like he practiced being an angel to others for 17 years. The sun is shining. I hope he touches you today. Much love. Thank you for sharing.
Anne
Anne,
DeleteBeautiful! And so full of HOPE!!! :)!
XO, Annie
Good morning Regina. What a lovely letter to Chris. Thank you for sharing him so his goodness can rub off on us. For those of us that didn't know Chris, we now know so much about him and at least I feel grateful for your ability to share that so beautifully with us.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to write to Chris in my reply to you today to tell him how much it means to me that you are in my life now, if even for brief moments to read your blog, read about him and keep him and his family close in my thoughts and prayers. I hope through writing it, he will hear my thoughts and intentions, or by you reading it, he will hear them through you.
Dear Chris:
For a few months now, more than 3, I have gotten to know about you, about your passion for football, but more importantly your passion for life. I have gotten to know your Mom through her writing and even meeting her at a basketball game. I have gotten to know about the boy, almost a man, whose memory now is imbedded forever in the minds of so many in the 518 and beyond. I have read responses to your Mom from other parents, classmates, people who didn't know you, but do now. Your 100%, as your mother so eloquently put it, has inspired so much good in the 518 and beyond. Your Mom is making sure that your 100% lives on through many avenues and so many of us want to help her make that possible. It's why I write to your Mom every day on this blog. It doesn't feel right not to.
A while back, after a light snowfall, I was too lazy to brush off my car, so I turned it on and let it defrost. While I was letting it defrost, I was on facebook, posting a "saying" that came onto my newsfeed. It was about signs. I shared it with your mom and others letting them know that the signs were out there, all the time for them to see. When my daughter and I left for school just minutes after I shared that, there were two perfect hearts 'melted' out of the snow on my windshield. In my 47 years nothing like that has ever happened to me, and I had to believe that those hearts came from you and Deanna. I wrote a poem and shared it with your mother after that, and I think of that moment and you and Deanna every time I see the picture. I hope you know how much I appreciated you sending the hearts. They were beautiful!
Just after that my cousin posted pictures of perfectly beautiful heart shaped stumps that were the result of him cutting down a tree! I commented to him how beautiful they were and asked for one and he responded that he would send me 2... I only asked for one. I again sent you a hello. I wonder if you got it?
I have come across your number 69 a few times when I've been particularly struggling with something and seeing your number snaps me back to a different, more positive way of thinking. I then thank you, say a prayer for you and your mom and move on to what's in front of me, but face it with a different outlook.
As I write this with tears in my eyes, I cannot tell you how much you and your mom have touched my life, in such a rich spiritual way. I have sought out questions that have come out of your passing and I have reached out to someone who I don't even know (your Mom) to support her and in some ways by doing that, she has helped me.
continued (I have a habit of writing replies that are too long...
DeleteI wanted to tell you again how special your Mom is to me, and from what I read, to so many people, and to let you know we are looking out for her Chris. I think we always will. I know if she is meant to be in our lives on any level, she will be and I'm honored to be there for her in any capacity she may need. It just feels right.
Before I end this letter, I would like to share this poem with you, and your Mom:
For You So Many Have Cared
To die so young with so many who care,
Questioning God's motives, do I dare?
Family and friends gather round,
For you, so much love surrounds.
When you were here, all made such a fuss,
But now, God has taken you from us.
Please look down from heaven each day,
And in our hearts you will forever stay.
We question, Why did God do this?
Now and always -- you -- we will miss!
We just have to trust in Him that his will commands,
And someday we will hopefully understand.
Thank you for the laughter and joy you shared,
For you so many have cared.
Tears we shed for you today,
But happy memories of the past will always stay.
Justine Crowley-Duncan
Latham, NY
Justine--
DeleteThis is so so beautiful. This morning I couldn't put a letter into words, but this is everything I couldn't say and more.
I'd like to take this moment to give a big shout-out to Chris! Thanks for bringing us all together and for helping us touch each other's lives! You Rock Chris!!!
And Mrs. Stewart, as always, You rock too :)
Thank you Hannah. I don't normally go back to prior posts to look for a reply to me, but I was looking for something Regina wrote yesterday and saw your reply. You are so sweet to say these things.
DeleteI don't know what came over me, courage maybe. I send messages up to Chris a lot. Even last night when I was driving with my daughter we were comparing phone battery life to see who should get the car charger on our way to an event. My phone was at 82%, her's 69%! I immediately smiled and said hello Chris! I can't help it. It's becoming a pattern lately.
I felt I should write back to you and share this with you and Regina!
I read this blog on a daily basis, and I have never commented before. But I have to say this one tugged at my heart strings. So I felt compelled to comment. This note was truly beautiful. And I couldn't help but cry. The amount of strength it must take to share your thoughts and feelings. I probably wouldn't be that strong. Regina your sons story has made me look at life in a different perspective. Live each moment and love every moment to the fullest.No matter how old or young you are. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about your son. Even if its just for a few minutes. You are doing a fabulous job with this blog. Keep pushing forward Regina, God is taking care of your son. I know it. God bless <3
ReplyDeleteRegina,
ReplyDeleteYour note to Chris was so beautiful. I can't stop crying. Something tells me he knows that you would have done anything to protect him. I'm not so sure from all I have learned about Chris that he needed much training to be "God's Angel". I believe he was an "Angel" while he was here gracing us for his short 17 years. I believe YOU trained him very very well to be the amazing "Angel" he was. I pray Chris continues to visit you often, so that you feel his presence. I know he is with you always. I pray he continues to push us all to "Refuse To Lose". I love it. He sure knew how to inspire and now you are teaching us all through him! Thank you, my friend!
Regina,
ReplyDeleteSuch beautiful words. I wish I could have known Chris personally but I feel like I know him from your writing. He is a very special young man. He is one of God's special angels bringing and keeping everyone together and strong. Thank you for sharing. God bless
ReplyDeleteReg, every morning the first thing I do is go to the blog, even before I pour my coffee. I guess this is my way of checking up on you. When you first started this, I said to
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myself, I will respond every day so you would know how much I love you . The truth is I started to write, but my throat got a big lump and I couldn't continue. It didn't seem to be going in the direction I felt you needed to hear and read. I knew someday one blog would hit me in a way that I knew I would be able to respond.
I want you to know Mom and Chris have to be together, she loved you so much. It's crazy how our lives have been wrapped from the beginning, our Dad's buried at the same cemetery diagonal from each other and of course our lives celebrating, weddings, births of our children and birthdays. I don't know why, but all morning I kept thinking of my 16th birthday party. You wanted to have our friends over at my house for snacks and Mom caught wind of it and took it up a couple of notches!! You weren't happy she took over the planning, but the next thing we knew we had kabobs, linen, crystal and fresh flowers all dressed up in our formal dining room! She was going to show us how to put on a "proper" party.
You came to visit her the morning before she passed and you kept rubbing her hand, she couldn't speak, but kept moving her hand every time you touched it. It was almost like she was trying to tell you something. I do believe that all the signs we get from our loved ones are trying to tell us something. We must believe this as it helps us continue each day and it simply reminds us of Chris and Mom. She would never let you down, she took care of us since we were little. Funny how this writing has made me feel better, I know and understand now what you mean. I have always tried to look after you and vice versa and I know at times I can be bossy! Since Chris has passed I didn't know how to fix this for you, but I have come to realize there is nothing to fix about him or Mom. They have touched our lives in so many ways and they have both given us all kinds of memories. As Mom is holding Chris and I am sure taking care of him, I want you to know how much I love you and will always watch out for you now and until eternity. I think we will both be waiting for our next sign!
Love you,
Shannon
Regina,
ReplyDeleteYour letter to Chris has touched my heart.. It also ripped my heart to shreds. I was thinking .. I don't know how she does it..But then I read all the other beautiful responses filled with such love for you! The letter from your best friend Shannon also made me cry. You've drawn such wonderful people into your life. Thanks for sharing your beautiful letter to Chris with us. Thank you also for bringing all of these amazing people together who also share their wisdom, their heart and their stories. We all have you and Chris in our lives.... Which has brought out the best in us. Thanks for this gift... I hope we continue to inspire each other and continue to grow and learn from each other for a long time to come!
Regina,
ReplyDeleteBeen a busy week and I'm catching up on your posts. This letter to Chris is just beautiful. You ask so many questions, which I think all of us who believe wonder about ourselves.
Thank you for sharing.
hugs and peace